The impermanence of a rose

Everything dies. To remind myself of this I bought myself a small bunch of roses today. 

'Impermanence is a principle of harmony. When we don’t struggle against it, we are in harmony with reality.' Pema Chodron

I was listening to a podcast by Dr Rick Hanson and Forrest Hanson this morning (https://www.rickhanson.net/being-well-podcast/). During the session they were talking about impermanence, they referred to the Buddhist cornerstone of impermanence and how this wisdom can allow us to live our one big beautiful life more richly. They mentioned the metaphor of a rose; the rose is beautiful but the beauty doesn't last, the flower wilts, the petals fall and eventually it rots. We can bemoan the death of the flower or take it even further and avoid the inevitable sense of loss by avoiding roses altogether. In doing so, though, we lose something. We lose the experience of watching the petals unfurling, opening up to reveal the flower's hidden depths, witnessing the beauty of the rose in it prime. 

We can live it safe and small to avoid feeling pain from loss as we, and everyone and everything around us, grows and changes. The pain will still come eventually, it always does. If we invest our energy into resistance we increase our suffering and deepen our despair but until the pain arrives it gives us some sense of control and protection. This is an illusion but it's a comfortable one. 

The alternative is to accept that tough times will come, we will lose and fail, we will falter on the path. But we will also have moments of deliciousness. This acceptance can give us the freedom to live our one big beautiful life more fully; enabling us to take the risks, to follow dreams, to explore opportunities. It can also offer us grace when things go wrong, when we are faced with loss, failure and despair. 

At the moment I am in a state of flux, between places and that feels uncomfortable. So today I bought myself these roses to remind me that this is life; it can be hopeful, and beautiful, but nothing lasts forever. What am I doing with this one big beautiful life I have been given? There is nothing promised in this world apart from the fact that everything dies... this is a gift, I guess we just need to be brave enough to accept it. 

“Life is fragile, like the dew hanging delicately on the grass, crystal drops that will be carried away on the first morning breeze.” Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche

Perfection is a lie we tell ourselves to keep us playing small

Who loves failing? Can I hear a YAY? Not many huh?

Failure usually hurts in some way, even when we know it is a key to learning and growth. Some failure can hurt others and even cause major problems, but thankfully most failures aren’t that catastrophic. Most failures actually seem to end up hurting our pride and our sense of self more than anything else which whilst not catastrophic can have serious ripple effect.

The pain caused by failure is there to protect us so we remember not to make that mistake again. It was extremely useful in the ancient past when our lives literally depended on not repeating mistakes like wandering near a certain cave where something with big teeth and claws was hanging out! However our pain avoidance muscles can play tricks on us in the modern world, we are no longer likely to be eaten by a sabre tooth tiger (feel free to replace this with a more accurate ancient animal) if we make a mistake but the weight of public opinion, self judgement and anxiety seem to have teeth and claws too. And once their claws sink in it can be hard to shift them.

So we protect ourselves.

We avoid the risk of making mistakes.

To our own detriment.

One of the fanciest ways to protect ourselves is perfectionism which often comes with a range of side-kicks, my favourite being procrastination. Striving for perfection seems like admirable goal and to be fair I am very grateful if the surgeon who operates on my loved ones has a desire to be as close to perfect as possible. But how many times do we put off things because it isn’t perfect? We don’t go for a walk because the weather isn’t as nice as it could be. We don’t call a friend because we aren’t feeling as happy as we think we should be. We don’t go out because we haven’t lost as much weight as we wanted to. We don’t follow through on the idea, start the business, write the book etc because we haven’t got the time/energy/finances/support to make it perfect. We put this all off for a sunnier, happier, skinnier, slower day… that never comes! This perfect day is a lie we have been told, usually by people trying to sell us something, and it’s one that we keep telling ourselves. To an extent it keeps us safe but it also keeps us small.  

A rich, fulfilling life isn’t perfect. I recall a line from a poem often quoted by a wise mentor of mine, Trevor Grice, ‘if it weren’t for the rocks in its bed, the stream would have no music’. We need the ups and downs of life to truly experience the range of emotions that give life its colour, goodness the world would be boring if everything was coloured sunshine yellow!

Mediocrity is not the solution to perfection by procrastination though. Stepping bravely, embracing our vulnerability, toward uncertainty is what we are aiming for.  Embracing good enough and kaizen (the concept of small, seemingly imperceptible, changes over time) is part of it. Trusting ourselves and others more helps. Letting go of trying to control everyone and everything is certainly going to reduce our stress and give us some relief. This means accepting that others aren’t perfect either.

I believe strongly that we all have gifts and talents. I worry that many of these gifts and talents never get fulfilled because of the lies we tell ourselves about perfection. You are already good enough and you never know just how great you could be until you take that leap of faith to find out… are you ready?  

Learning from the front of the room- a reflection from IMPACT, the PSA Convention 2018

I am a full time teacher and last weekend I attended the Professional Speakers Association Convention in Brisbane, Australia. I went as I was invited by my friend (thanks Karen!) and was offered the opportunity to present a small piece in a workshop during the weekend (thanks Glenn!).

As I was heading into the convention I was feeling like a fish in the desert (that's how far out of the water I was feeling), I was thinking "I am a teacher at a professional speakers convention... what on earth am I doing here???" However to say that the weekend was inspirational feels like an understatement really. It was huge and I am still trying to get my head around it all to be honest but for now I hope to convey some of what I learned as a teacher in this post.

We started with a session for newbies to the convention, what a relief to be around others who were feeling a bit out of their comfort zone. As it turned out there were people from all walks of life and the more people I spoke to over the weekend the more I realised just how diverse the attendees were... we all have a journey and what we bring right now is the sum of our experience to date. Regardless of background there was a sense of camaraderie and genuine interest in each other, even a newbie like me. It became clear to me that as teachers we stand to learn so much by stepping out of education and listening to people in different industries, over the weekend I learned from hair dressers, teachers, performers, hotel managers, scientists, engineers, lawyers, health experts, trainers, sportspeople to name a few. And it wasn't only those on the stage, it was also talking to the people standing around the kiwi ice cream freezer at the opening supper, the cleaner in the bathrooms where I was having a last run through of my presentation, the folk on the dance floor at the formal dinner, people who were sitting around the tables at various sessions and workshops, as well as the fabulous shop attendant at a nature's discovery type store where I grabbed a couple of items for school (as you do!). Everyone has a story to tell, everyone has wisdom... we just have to listen.

And so here are a lot of snapshot ideas that I picked up over the weekend that I think are relevant to us in the classroom (and much of it in life really)... I may end up elaborating more at some stage but for now I will run with sound bytes as there is just so much information that I am still digesting.

My IMPACT PSA Convention sound bytes for teachers (and other people too):

• Fall in love with language 
• Learn new languages (there are 6000 languages in the world and 90% are endangered) 
• We were welcomed by Robert Henderson, a Wiradjuri elder. Where we come from is important and honouring the people of a place is important. Using the language of a people and a place is powerful. 
• The Eyes of Wonder=The Look of Learning 
• Be more awesome 
• Use sign language- use our bodies to conduct our classroom like a conductor brings the egos of an orchestra together to create beautiful harmonious music 
• Be BRAVE 
• When creating a presentation be clear on what you want the people you are working with to feel, to act on after and to remember  
• Consider what is your most disabling thought and then identify what the most empowering statement is about yourself (I am now working on the second bit... it's a challenge) 
• Strive less, allow more 
• Be your best self 
• Fear is a reaction- Courage is a choice 
• Look for opportunities rather than getting hung up on difficulties 
• Design laughter into your presentations... think about how you connect and motivate and be brave
• Take the stage you've got and start from there 
• How we feel about ourselves is what we project of ourselves to the world 
• It's your life- would you like to take responsibility for that? 
• Trust yourself, don't be afraid to be you- be real
• Are you managing classes or leading learning? Managing= work, leading=learning. 
• Be interested in just about anything 
• Beautiful questions are powerful 
• There are more choices in front of you than you think 
• Change the picture, change the results 
• What are your beliefs? These are the thoughts we hold to be true and they drive our behaviour 
• Write and read obsessively around those things that you are inspired by 
• Gratitude helps to balance out 'constructive discontent', the feeling that there's always more to do 
• Ask yourself "does this excite me?" 
• Love is a commitment- it isn't a feeling 
• Rather than working from a beat myself up mode when it doesn't work, go into a how can I build it better mode 
• Pursue everything that tickles your fancy 
• What makes you beautiful? What makes what you do beautiful? Find the beauty in yourself... be YOU! 
• Make a decision about how you show up in the world. 
• How often do we overlook the simple to make complex stuff? 
• What is the feedback you are getting from your audience (or class)? 
• Focus on what you love... don't complain, celebrate the opportunity instead 
• Less is more! Give people time to explore, feel and contemplate. Less content, more elaboration. 
• Start to stop- let go- simplify 
• Influence and manipulation are the same in process but intent and outcome are different... be an influencer! 
• With structure (process) I can be flexible with my focus 
• The brain learns by suggestion... prime and nudge 
• Where there's judgement let there be empathy 
• Use language carefully- create modifiers e.g. 'what you might do...?' or ' I invite you to...' Invite instead of commanding. 
• Use we/us instead of I/me 
• Remember it is the group's group not your group- watch them and respect what they are telling you about how far you can push someone in the group 
• How do you turn up? Ask 'what can I do for this group of people?', have a sense of humanity, visualise energy, know that you are here to serve. 
• Use the light of day test- would you make this decision if it were to be held up for all the world to see? 
• Give ourselves permission to dare to be different 
• Do the inner work first- find your inner super hero
• Consider how you manage your energy to work with others as your best 
• Come burning into the present moment- have a strong centre, open heart and clear mind 
• Use props to enhance your message 
• Throw energy to the back of the group and everyone will sense it 
• Story is powerful- be creative in telling, use words powerfully 
• Don't be afraid to be vulnerable 
• Your brand is your identity and your message- telling the world what you do and how you do it... to get people on board sympathise with their pain (challenges) and sell the problem, pain and solution you offer 
• Ways to engage... simplicity, close ups, metaphors and surprise 
• Questions are more important than answers, visuals are more important than verbal 
• Catchphrase "I am glad you asked" 
• Perfectionism will keep you in the slow lane
• Make sure your head is where your feet are 
• Reflection on learning: what is loud (epic) for you? what is soft (intimate) for you?  

Goodness that is a long list! As you can see from these snapshots it really was an epic weekend. I left feeling like I was floating on air... so inspired, profoundly moved and challenged to do more of what I love, and to do what I do better. IT IS TIME... 

If there is anything here that resonated for you I would love to know... sharing is caring :) As I work through this list myself I may even write more about some of these concepts and ideas to share my learning journey with you. 

Letting it go

An old friend of mine used to say that if it isn't useful or doesn't bring you joy then get rid of it... she was talking about keeping a house clean and tidy. As I was tidying up our home today I started reflecting on this in two ways, both of which were really good for me.

Firstly, about the tidying up of stuff. I am a bit of a hoarder, I hate to waste things and often think that perhaps something will be useful for me or someone else at some stage so hold on to it. Yesterday I went clothes shopping at a second hand store, I spent NZ$95 but walked away with the following items: for my son- three sweatshirts, one woolen jersey, one pair of pyjamas; for myself- two skirts, one pair of pants, one pair of jeans, three cardigans and one pair of pyjamas. They are all good quality and in good condition. With all of these new clothes drying on the rack after being washed this morning I realised that they had served their purpose for previous owners and were then let go, so I went into my own closet and cleaned out clothing that I no longer needed or wanted. How liberating! I don't have to keep something just in case I lose weight, or gain it, nor do I have to keep it because someone gifted it to me even though it doesn't feel comfortable or look right. Someone else may love these items of clothing and that is just great.
I have been doing a lot around recycling, reducing and reusing lately... reducing being the first step in making a positive impact on the planet. When buying second hand I am reducing by not buying newly produced items and purchasing based on when I need something rather than just because!

Secondly, is the deeper significance of the statement and this is what I mused on as I was tidying up. Looking at what we do with our time and getting rid of that (as much as practical) which is not useful or does not bring you joy can be just as liberating as cleaning out the closet! Some of this comes back to being aware of what your goals are, what your dreams are and what is important to you, then apportioning your time accordingly. Our lives can be hugely busy but some of it can be busyness for busyness' sake rather than useful or joyful time spent.
Today we stacked wood, had lunch, did some gardening work, and tidied up around the house before preparing a roast vegetable risotto for tea... and time seemed to go so slowly, I felt like I had time for all of this without feeling pressured or rushed. This is because it was useful and I enjoyed most of it too, strange as that may seem, as some of that time was spent with my own thoughts and the rest with my family. It was great being outside in the fresh air on a relatively warm winter's day, knowing that the cooler weather was coming again.

In my role as a teacher I am thinking that this is as true for the classroom as it is in my own home. When we are so busy we lose sight of what is useful or joyful the joy of learning can disappear almost entirely. I am looking at my planning and stripping it back, focusing first at what is useful and joyful (for us all in the class)... I figure if we start there and then move forward from that then we might just strike the better balance.

Perhaps taking on the philosophy of getting rid of that which isn't useful or joyful (where practical) has the capacity to simplify our lives and help us get more out of the time we have? I think it just might.

Time Thief

Have you ever had a little job that you just didn't want to do? 

It's just a little job and you know it won't take terribly long. It's not a lot of fun to do. It's kind of irritating actually. And it's one of those jobs that you have time to do, there isn't a rush, the due date is ages away... well it's not right now anyway! Then the due date comes and goes and you realise it is now a job that you have to do but you've left it so long that it just feels like an anchor weighing you down and you now have a whole lot of other jobs piled up so this task stays in the pile and keeps getting shuffled around... 

Sound familiar? 

This is one of my bad habits. Procrastination. I get busy, I have a lot of irons in the fire and my brain feels like it is constantly shifting and every so often I have a little task like this that I let on way past it used by date... 

And the tasks that I leave are those that cause as little inconvenience as possible to other people usually, but they bother me. I often assess my to do lists according to impact on others and prioritise accordingly... not always smart. Knowing that these little tasks are there waiting for me to attend to them actually slows me down, it makes me feel heavy and slowly ebbs away at my motivation. 

By gum, procrastination steals my motivated productivity joy germ! 

What has prompted this small slice of life commentary you might ask? Well tonight I completed such a task. I'd demonised it, made it feel bigger than it was in actual fact and when I decided that I would complete it tonight well it has been like a revelation. I feel lighter. I feel able to move on with other things. 

I am even looking forward to what I hope will be a more restful sleep. 

All because of a little thing that I simply could have and should have made time for earlier. 

Lesson learnt at long last? I sincerely hope so. 

Let's not be so hasty to let the old year pass

A new year is coming up fast and it is a time that many look to as a fresh start and a time to make resolutions for the coming twelve months. As the song says "fast away the old year passes". 

Before you cast the old year aside though can I suggest that you take some time to first count your blessings... and if you have had a tough year, and I know a few people who have,  I am thinking that you are reading this post and have access to the internet in some way so you might just have a couple of things to be grateful for as a starter. 

Consider this: 

Found in several places but this one I sourced from:
http://www.speakupforchange.ca/why-you-are-so-lucky/

The main reason why I suggest you count your blessings first is that you will be much less likely to toss out the really good stuff you already have as you focus on the next big thing you want to be, do or have in your life. 

Here are some questions you can ask yourself to do a gratitude audit for the last 12 months or so:  

• Have I been of service to others at some stage? 
• Have I taken care of myself in some way? 
• Have I achieved anything significant for me? 
• Have I used my skills and talents in some way? (and before you say I don't have any, I believe we all do, just some of us don't recognise them yet) 
• Have I learnt something new? 
• Have I fostered positive relationships with some of the people around me? 
• Have I had any fun times? What were they? 
• Have I had any adventures? 
• Have I overcome any challenges? 
• Have I had opportunities to celebrate the success of others? 

I hope that you have come up with a few things to be grateful for and identified some of the great things about your life that you want to keep. Too often we forget to celebrate the good as it happens and taking some time to reflect with our minds and hearts tuned to gratitude can make a big difference to our whole well being. I hope that you spend more time focused on gratitude going forward so you get to experience the joy that it brings. 

This approach also helps you work out what it is that you really do want in your life. 

Ask yourself: 

• Do you want more of the same? Great stuff- keep adding to your gratitude list and stay focused on creating more of the same. 
• Who are the people that you care about and love? If you are able to, how will you stay connected with them? 
• Is there something you want to change? If so why do you want to do that? What will it look like if you make that change? (it is important to have a clear vision of the end point you are aiming for) 
• Do you want to learn something new? 
• How will you use your skills and talents this year? 
• How will you be of service to others? 
• Is there a way you could contribute to your community this year? 
• What adventures would you love to have? 
• How will you create positive relationships with those around you? 
• Do you want to stretch yourself? If so, in what way and why? 
• How will you ensure that you are as healthy as you can be? 

Once you know what you want things to look like and you know why you want to go there then you can work how you will get there and take the first step to seeing your vision coming alive. 

And the crazy thing is that you don't have to wait for a new year to focus on the good you already have or the path you want to take going forward... you can do this anytime and anywhere! The birds do not start singing a new song just because it is the first of the year nor do the mountains shift that day so feel gratitude now and dream as well. 

A personal story to illustrate: 

Last year I made some pretty clear goals going forward in about October. I had an ultimatum put to me that forced me to make a choice (much of my thinking was centred around the vision of the future I had been fostering for a little while prior to this to be fair). The things I wanted for the new adventure that I was to take were: 

• Most importantly it was to have more time with my family and enjoy doing some things around our home- I have loved spending time with our little man this year, we have gone to playcentre together and had a lot of fun. It has also been great to remodel our kitchen using recycled materials and make it a much more useful space for preparing our food 
• Take 3 months off to get my body back in balance and just enjoy a slower pace of life (I had saved up my annual leave for some time to enable me to do this)- it was great and gave me clear headspace to start blogging and do some study for fun as well as walk daily and go swimming and enjoy our kiwi summer with my family 
• Start my own business- yup, done that and have had some great opportunities to explore and play with using my skills in different settings including public speaking, writing resources for schools, and also doing adult workplace assessments
• Growing my own vegetables- we started that this season and it has been fabulous, to those of you who follow this blog you will have already read about this new passion of mine... and I am loving enjoying the fruits of our labours immensely! 
• Teach an average of two days week- this has happened in the last half of this year and I have really enjoyed teaching students from 5-17 years old, next year I will be teaching 2 days a week in a job share role which is fantastic
• Have my own chickens so we can eat our own eggs- we are on the way there, I got a little put off the idea by the fact that some people found chickens to be rather vicious with each other but have done some more research and we have plans to build our coop in the coming month or so... and the chickens will be a late Christmas gift once we get the coop ready for them
• I have always wanted to write despite feeling a little inadequate as a writer- I have had opportunities to play and learn (this blog is one way) and am learning more about this at the moment as I explore another project, it is exciting 

It hasn't always been easy, there are always ups and downs and I have had to take a few risks, but that strong vision of what I was hoping things would look like has helped me get back on course when the chips have been down. I also spoke with other people about this vision so they were able to support me and at times hold me accountable if needed. I am hugely grateful for the opportunities that I have had so far and the dreams that have been fulfilled as well as those that are ongoing and the dreams to come! 

I hope that your dreams come true in the best ways too. 

And while you are at it ALWAYS remember you are incredibly powerful because you do have choices...