Should staffrooms be No Moan Zones?

Below is a post that I penned over the Christmas holidays but didn't publish at the time as I was reflecting and focused on other tasks at the time including getting myself prepared for working in my new school. This is something that I have come back to and have decided to share... I do hope you find it useful to consider even if you don't agree with my suggestion... so here it is. 

I have had the pleasure of visiting many schools over the last fourteen years as an external education provider and I am impressed by the quality of education offered to so many children throughout our country. Teachers are often under huge pressure from parents, the media, the government and other members of the community and despite this they turn up and give the best of themselves for the children in their classes. It is admirable. I do worry about teacher mental health and wellbeing however. And one of the places I think we can start to address this is in the staffroom (and I am not talking about the biscuits we eat this time!) 

I am as guilty as anyone for entering the hallowed ground of the staffroom and declaring how a particular child or set of children or parent has really annoyed me then listing the reasons why they are difficult to work with. I used to believe that this was a healthy practice as it got it all out of my system and helped me walk back into the classroom with a fresh perspective. Now I am older, and I hope a little wiser, I think this was wrong. What I think I was actually doing was priming myself- who do you think I noticed first when I walked back into the classroom? It was the offending party from the morning tea conversation because inadvertently I was looking for them... now if they were doing something positive of course I noticed and praised them but the fact of the matter was I had mentally singled them out without meaning to. 

We do need to offload but I am not sure that the wider staffroom setting is the best place to do this. It creates negativity, and we start sharing war stories and worse still start may even act in a way that we would never accept from students. How would you respond to a small group of students talking about another child like this: 

"he's such a pain, I hate working with him" 

"I don't know why he bothers to come to school, it's a complete waste of time, he isn't learning anything" 

"he'll end up a criminal, just look at his big brother/sister, he's going exactly the same way" 

I know how I would respond. I would first ask how they would feel if someone spoke about them like that, I would explain that we don't have to be friends with everyone but we need to be friendly, I would probably go on to suggest that sometimes people behave in certain ways because of other things in their lives and so on. I might question them about how we could make a difference and come up with solutions rather than just moan about someone who isn't even here to defend themselves. I wouldn't sit down with them and agree.

Now I know that this sounds bad so please know that this isn't what staffroom conversations are dominated by at all. In fact most often it is sharing news from our own lives, telling funny stories about things that have happened in our classrooms and sharing some other things that are going on as well as planning, marking and sharing ideas. I just think we need to banish any moaning without solutions to another place and time. 

I am a big fan of critically reflective practice and Coaching Leadership and believe that this is an appropriate place for us to unpack the difficult relationships we are often faced with in teaching. In these situations where we have had a tough morning or day I would suggest that putting it down on paper is helpful to get it out of your head. Then arrange a time and place to talk through this with a peer/coach (and if you have a person on your staff that you are working with in this capacity that is brilliant) where the focus is on unpacking the problem, working through possible solutions and establishing some strategies to manage going forward. 

This year I am going to make a concerted effort to avoid the negative comments about students and take a positive solution focused stance in the staffroom. I also want to build relationships with my colleagues and have the staffroom break times being a place that is refreshing and restorative. As teachers we need to be mindful of our own mental health and wellbeing and I believe by making the staffroom space a low stress, positive, friendly space where we can be inspired and energised we are certainly taking a step in the right direction.

This is a timely reminder for me to keep my focus on the positive in our staffroom. I've been doing OK so far mostly but need to remain aware. :) 

A thank you goes a long way

Tonight there was a post on Facebook by a friend which read:

It was really nice getting this comment from one of the players that I coach.
"...thanks Craig for your super coaching!"
I'm not showing off. These are teenagers and it's been hard work and frustrating at times. Lots of attitude. I sometimes wondered if I was making any difference at all. This comment made my day.

When I responded that I didn't think it was showing off, in fact I thought it was lovely and appreciated him sharing the good news he responded: 

Thanks Meg. When you get comments like this it reminds you how powerful compliments are. They boost your spirits big time. 

It's true, well at least I think it is. I used to say that I believed most people would work for a thank you... a pay rise is nice (often it is great, don't get me wrong) but the joy only lasts as long as it takes to get used to the increased income, feeling appreciated speaks to a different part of us and I'd argue that for most of us it has more power because it is saying what you do is valued and important enough for me to recognise it and let you know. And that feels good! Now a pay rise might be given as a token of this appreciation but if the thank you is left off or if appreciation only comes once a year at salary review time then it is almost meaningless. Please note, effusive empty words are not what I am talking about nor am I talking about splashed generously all over the place generic platitudes. It is the authentic praise and thanks that comes from a place of genuine appreciation that I am talking about. Here are some of the ways that I have noticed appreciation happening in the workplace:

• a straight out thank you for something done 
• a mention in a report written
• efforts on a particular project or matter being acknowledged with other colleagues 
• a quiet word of thanks as an aside in the workplace 
• an email saying thanks 
• a bunch of flowers or chocolates (unexpectedly) 
• being invited out for a coffee
• at one school our board would give each of us one day in the last term of the year to have off for whatever we wanted as a thank you for coping with a minimal budget and doing a great job 
• a phone call, text or card in the mail just to say thanks 
• a special one: remembering my birthday and giving me a book voucher because my boss knew I loved books... I didn't tell him about the books or my birthday and didn't expect anything at all 

These are little things that add up. I have been fortunate to have large thank yous in the past too. At the end of my first year teaching the school had rewritten and rehearsed a song for weeks to sing to me at the end of the year concert and I had no idea, the staff had been very clever at occupying me for the secret rehearsals and not one student let on. 'You are my sunshine' will always bring a smile to my face now. When I left another classroom teaching role my class organised a shared lunch with all the parents and again it was a complete surprise. When I finished my most recent role, I was invited to a dinner where a portion of the programme was dedicated to my farewell and thank you, my colleagues also gave me a collection of individually hand made tags with kind messages on them that I treasure.

I have been fortunate to have had both the little and large gestures of appreciation and for that I am really grateful as it has given me the fuel to keep going especially when times were challenging, and a feeling of satisfaction as I have moved onto new adventures. Not everyone is so fortunate and that is a bit sad. Too often we save our appreciation and compliments for the end of something which I think is a little like the eulogies at funerals where despite being lovely at the time one has to wonder if it wouldn't have been better to have used the opportunity to say these things to the person when they were alive.

This appreciation thing is not only something to consider in the workplace either. Think about how we appreciate people in our community, in sports or social groups and at home. So often we forget to say thank you or give the compliment. It is very easy to forget, to unintentionally take things for granted. Most of us have people in our lives, throughout our days, that do a lot to be thankful for and deserve a compliment... like the shop assistants in the local grocery stores here who greet my son warmly and make him feel important, he loves going to the shop, and I thank them for their patience and kindness regularly- they do make a big difference to my little man's life. Think about the volunteers who do so much in our communities. My husband is a volunteer ambulance officer, and the commitment in terms of time and energy he puts into this role is huge yet I am not sure that everyone understands this. I am involved in volunteering myself and have worked with volunteers for a long time and I can tell you the appreciation, the small gestures, the compliments, when they come really do make a positive impact.

As Craig said earlier, often we wonder if what we do makes a difference at all, and we all deserve to feel like we are significant and what we do does matter. It doesn't hurt, nor need cost anything, to give your appreciation or offer a small compliment. A little warmth offered to a fellow human being because you mean it can really make someone's day so why wouldn't you? We don't know what will happen tomorrow so let's make someone's day today.

A final word: 
Just a closing statement, thank you for reading my blog and the feedback that I have been given. I have never been a writer and often share the thoughts or ideas that occur me. 
Thanks also Craig for the inspiration today. :) 

Five Life Lessons from my Father

There have been lots of mentions of dads online and on LinkedIn today I saw the title of an article "lessons I have learned from my Dad" which sparked some thoughts for me.

This is my Dad, he passed away four years ago from oesophageal cancer. I miss him hugely and I guess I always will. Dad wasn't perfect, but he didn't pretend to be either. He had a great sense of humour and shared it liberally. He had a lot of love to give and worked hard to give us the life we had. I know I am lucky to have had the time I did with my Dad. Even though he is not here he is never far from my mind. Here are some of the lessons I have taken from him:

If it is broke, fix it... or at least have a go! 
Dad came from a generation of can-do kind of people. He turned his hand to all sorts of home handyman tasks and because of that we were self sufficient in a lot of ways. He had an amazing veggie garden, redecorated our homes, ensured our houses were well maintained and he even made his own cheese at one stage.

When something broke down, Dad would have a go at fixing it or ask a neighbour/friend if they were more skilled. I remember our toaster disappeared to one of our clever neighbours for a good wee while at one stage. Dad kept a small supply of broken reading glasses, he had a terrible habit of sitting on them and breaking them! This meant that he was able to do running repairs as yet another pair got damaged!
He didn't throw away things, or people, if they were broken... he valued the relationships he had with others and worked to keep them alive.

I really respect the do-it-yourself attitude, and where I can I do my best, like when my husband and I did up our kitchen from recycled materials mostly. Unfortunately I don't have the skills that Dad had as yet. This year we will start planting veggies again. I wish I knew the recipe for Dad's special fertiliser that he mixed up every year for the best tasting tomatoes ever. Note to anyone out there who still has a special person with special skills, work with them and learn from them while you can!

Everyone has a story to tell, if you listen 
I remember going for drives and Dad would stop to get petrol and start talking to the attendant there. As the car was filling with the fumes of the petrol station Dad would be happily chatting away to this complete stranger like they were an old friend, all the while I was wishing he would hurry up! Dad could strike up a conversation with just about anyone and people seemed comfortable around him and would chat away happily.

This is something that I use a lot of the time and despite my misery as a child at the petrol station it is a gift that I truly appreciate now. I have heard fascinating stories of people's lives, and made interesting connections. The world is full of interesting people, who become more interesting because someone listened to them. I have even made good friends from a random conversation so I thoroughly recommend having a go at striking up a conversation with someone new this week.

Learn to love the people you care about the way they need to be loved 
Dad did have a gift and I didn't really appreciate it until he passed away. He worked out how we needed to be loved and gave us what he could. I was lucky in the fact that no matter how bad things got I knew I could always go to Dad and he would do what he could to help me get through the stuff that was blocking me... sometimes just knowing that helped me get through! He would sometimes give me a hug, sometimes he would get me laughing at myself or the situation, other times he would listen while I ranted and raved until I had talked myself out, and on occasion he would tell me to pull my head in.

There is a wonderful lady called Allison Mooney (if you ever get a chance to hear her speak, grab it!) who talks about personality preferences and suggests that we treat people the way they want to be treated as opposed to the way we want to be treated. It is an interesting suggestion but can make the difference, I know it made a difference for me.

If you are able to help someone then help them 
Dad was often helping others. When his friends were ill he would do things around their homes that they were no longer able to do. He would give away veggies. With one young family who had moved into our town, Dad got chatting to them and ended up helping them set up with household items like kitchen appliances etc. If he had something spare and someone else had a need then he had no issues with giving it away even if we didn't always agree.

We all have skills and there are numerous opportunities for us to use them to help someone else. Think about what it is that you can do and ask yourself if that might be helpful for someone else. I have found this year that some of my management and leadership skills have been really useful with my volunteer work with our local playcentre for example.

Enjoy the life you have while you can
Do as much of what you love as you can (as long as it doesn't harm others I guess) while you can. Live as big a life as you can, don't wait too long for things to come to you and take some risks along the way.
Things weren't always easy in Dad's life but he maintained a sense of fun and humour. Sometimes I share the funny things he did or said with other people and so I guess he is still helping people see the lighter side of life?

I know I still get hung up on what is coming next or what I still have to do and every so often have regrets or hurts from the past that I allow to ruin the joy of a moment. There is so much joy to be had right here and right now... why would anyone in their right mind deny themselves it? Another gift my Dad left me is a greater sense of perspective. When things go wrong, as they sometimes do, I just have to ask myself "is this as bad as losing your dad?" and the answer to date is always a resounding "no!", it helps me cut through the drama and keep moving forward.

Do you think you are better than everyone else? A short story.

When I was at primary school there was an incident that has stayed with me for a long time, just over 30 years in fact. It shows the power of the spoken word and the power of those in positions of power to influence the people they work with.

I was one of those kids that loved learning, heck I still do, and I was always looking to stretch myself, again I still do. One day when I must've been about 11 years old, I had completed some work earlier than my classmates, I had checked it and then waited in line to ask my teacher if I could please have some more work. The response from my teacher was less than supportive, in fact the response was a loud (enough to silence the rest of my classmates) "so you think you are better than everyone else?" I was horrified. That was not what I meant at all, I just wanted some more work to keep myself busy and tried to explain that in a quiet voice but to no avail. I didn't get any more work, all I got was humiliated and shamed. Obviously this has not scarred me for life in terms of my love of learning but it is a refrain that from time to time has popped up when I am vulnerable.

So you think you are better than everyone else? What does a comment like that imply? Well to me it said, don't excel. Beware the tall poppy. You are not as good as you think you are. It also said I can't be bothered dealing with you as an individual, be like everyone else. Be smaller. Be quiet. Suppress your needs. Be good but not too good, work hard but not too hard unless you are working hard to fit in. For goodness sake don't be you!

I have been really blessed to have pursued the career of my choice, to have met amazing people, to have learned from them and I have had opportunities to take on roles that I never thought I was capable of. I have had great champions in my life. However sometimes when I have had a chance to step up and do something new or take on a leadership role or step into a challenging situation where I have to stand up for something I believe in, there is that little voice that goes "so you think you are better than everyone else?" And then that voice, if it gets a hold, follows up with "what if they see that you are really not that good?" A classic case of imposter syndrome! Has this stopped me following my dreams? Not really, but I believe it has supported an overly well developed sense of self doubt which can be challenging to manage in times of weakness.

Why tell you this story? Simply because it illustrates the power we have to influence others through what we say and do. I am pretty sure that this particular teacher will have no recollection of this moment at all, it would just be another exchange in what would total millions over a teaching career I imagine. I am sure his intention was not to harm, just get me out of his face so he could work with the rest of the class, perhaps he was stressed. We all have times where we say something we shouldn't have, I know I have regrets about comments I have made in the past. Mindfulness and being in the moment should reduce the reactive comments and, if we do make a mistake, allow us the presence to apologise and make amends in a timely fashion.

The take home message for teachers (and anyone who lives or works with children and young people) is to be mindful of what you are saying, you have tremendous potential to impact on the lives of the young people you live or work with and you never know when there is a pivotal moment happening. Shaming is simply not a good way to manage behaviour. And the same message goes to the adults in the room, particularly those in positions of authority or power, remember that the words you use have potential to help or harm as well. There are a few specific incidents from my adult life that I recall where it almost felt as though I had gone back in time and again I am standing in that moment of shame in the classroom, "so you think you're better than everyone else?" I have reacted by trying to be smaller, stand out less and fit in with the group which is not the most proactive position to be in and has rendered me fairly ineffective in that moment.

Over time I have learned that I have the ultimate power as to whether that nasty little voice of self doubt and shame gets heard or not. Again, I am blessed to have had the opportunities to read and learn and reflect. I am also lucky to have other refrains from my life that counter that nasty voice, it is amazing which voice is the most easily heard in times of stress or strain though.

What are the refrains that you hear over again from your past? Do they help you or harm you? Which ones deserve a hearing and which ones need to be silenced or at least reduced to a faint whisper?

Our words can lift or lower, can hurt or heal, can empower or suppress, can create greatness or squash it... I hope today is a day of uplifting words, thoughts and deeds for you and the people you engage with. What an amazing difference it could make to the world if we all took on that challenge!

Filling up tanks

My last post was focused on resilience and I finished with a comment about kindness to others being a great way to support their resilience so this post sort of comes from that... please forgive me if I repeat myself a little from previous posts but a lot of this knits together- it is like weaving a tapestry of thoughts and ideas really.  

In order for us to respond at our best our brains need to be able to work at their best. Our brains are the most amazing chemical factories, producing the chemicals that help our cells communicate and make us think, feel and do. Some of these chemicals aid memory, create feelings of relaxation or joy, support our decision making skills and so forth. Now it's like these chemicals are stored in little tanks at the end of brain cells and as different chemicals are needed a small amount is released, the message is passed on and the thought, memory, feeling or action happens (or not as the case may be but we won't go into that here). Some of the chemical may be returned to its tank after use but not all and not always so the brain is constantly making more... and the brilliant thing is we can help our brain fill up those tanks. Not only that, we can help fill other people's tanks too. 

Our positive behaviours have a huge impact on brain function and supporting the filling of our tanks. Fulfilling basic needs is a great start- drinking water, breathing clean fresh air, eating a balanced diet with plenty of fruit and veg, getting enough sleep, exercise and positive contact with others. Add to this managing our stress, feeling safe where we live, go to school or work, laughter, connecting with nature, giving, helping others, learning something new, taking responsible risks, moments of success, acts of kindness, getting out of your comfort zone, practicing gratitude, setting goals, having good things to look forward to, listening to music, being creative... I am sure you get the picture.    

I maintain that one of the most important positive relationships we need to foster is the one we have with ourselves. What we say to ourselves is really important. The brain is amazing and works really hard to make what we think and feel become real so if we call ourselves 'dumb' or 'stupid' then the brain will look for ways to reinforce that. I figure that our brain is just trying to make us feel that we are right. And the more we say something the harder the brain will work to make it true. So it stands to reason that breaking the habit of negative self talk and replacing it with a new positive self talk habit is a good idea. 

I was given a copy of the poem Truth by a group of students in Ranfurly a long time ago when we were talking about what we say and the difference we can make to someone else, it is something I have always remembered and I think it is well worth finishing with this. What we hear said about us and to us can help us frame our own self talk so we need to be mindful, especially with our children. Words are powerful and they can fill or empty someone's tanks including your own... words are powerful, kindness is key, use your power wisely and your kindness freely. 

Truth
By Barrie Wade (he is a poet and author, click here for a link to a couple of his books)

Sticks and stones may break my bones, 
but words can also hurt me. 
Stones and sticks break only skin, 
while words are ghosts that haunt me. 

Slant and curved the word-swords fall
to pierce and stick inside me. 
Bats and bricks may ache through bones,
but words can mortify me.

Pain from words has left its scar
on mind and heart that’s tender. 
Cuts and bruises now have healed;
it’s words that I remember. 


Some resources that might be useful for you: 
The Neurological Foundation of NZ has a great poster to reinforce some brain healthy behaviours, click here for a copy to print and the Mental Health Foundation of NZ has these resources for printing as well.