What I learned from doing sit ups last month!

Well June was notable for a few reasons: I did my first presentation for a group as a speaker under my own name; I attended a meeting of a group I have become an associate with and learned heaps (mostly that there is still heaps for me to learn); I discovered some great publicity opportunities for a children’s theatre production we are putting together on a very tight budget; and I did a whole heap of sit ups and can still hold a plank position for more than 2 minutes and it’s this last one that has prompted me to write this week.

At the end of May something popped up on Facebook and I thought it seemed like a good idea at the time, it was sort of social (as I tried to rope in other FB friends) and I thought it would help stave off the preparing for hibernation instinct that I fall into as winter sets in. This idea/challenge was a sit up/belly toning exercise challenge for the whole of June, steadily increasing in number of reps and time as the days clocked by. To ensure I stuck with this regime I made it public on Facebook and set myself a pretty dire consequence for lack of completion and that was posting a photo of myself wearing a bikini!

It is now July, the challenge is completed. My belly is no trimmer really but my back hurts a little more now. Yes I know that isolated exercise doesn’t work and I also know that having chocolate, chips and cheese and crackers is not a recommended daily diet necessity (the hibernating bear instinct is strong in this one, and I figured that as I was punishing myself I deserved a treat now and then!!!) So why did I continue with this challenge when clearly it wasn’t my thing? Well for one I felt that I’d let others down if I didn’t and secondly and more importantly the consequence of not completing was too grim! This does prove that making goals public and setting powerful consequences supports motivation, that is a good thing. However it also proves that I am super self-conscious about my body and that is not a good thing. Why should a consequence like that be so incredibly negative?

I really ought to know better, I have studied the topic of body image, I have even taught young people about it. I am in my 40’s, my body has done well so far getting me here, it has helped grow and feed a little one, it has carried my over active mind around and tolerated the abuse of stress at times pretty well too. Seems bizarre to not appreciate it, with all the associated lumps and bumps.

And you see, when I think about the threat of posing in my bikini for all the FB world to see, I think that the years of bombardment through the media of what a beautiful body looks like has got me thinking I don’t measure up. And I don’t. Mind you when you start to delve into it, neither do most of the people in the glossly magazines either!  A few years ago I had a little bit to do with EDEN (Eating Disorders Education Network) and did a course with them around body image and critical media literacy which was a real eye opener to be honest. Even the models and actresses/actors that are hailed for their good looks are enhanced routinely in the photo-editing suite, and that is after the fitness/diet gurus, the hair and make up gurus and photographic geniuses have had their turn.

Seemingly innocent images when put under the microscope make you take a step back and start to wonder… I now can’t look at an image without asking, has this been enhanced? And so when I opened up a flyer that arrived for a pharmacy I think and saw this image I was amused… just doesn’t look right when you look at the shoulders, the shape of the back, the position of the arms including length… well not right if ‘perfection’ is what is being aimed for! 

And check out this one. It is one I have used quite a lot and appeared in Jezebel.com originally I think. It is great to have the original beside the enhanced cover photo. When you just look at the cover photo, it looks fine, she is beautiful as she should be, all is well in the world. But then if you look a little closer do you not think her front arm looks a little long? And what about her neck and waist? Compare the original with the enhanced image and it starts to look a little alien! 

Now some people suggest that as we know many images are enhanced we should accept it as the way the world works, inlcuding one industry editor who claimed that 'photoshopping is an industry standard' and that they photoshopped one celebrity so she was shown at her 'personal best'! (For more click here for an interesting article). It would seem that the advice is that we just move on because this is normal but I don’t think that resolves the issues. I knew that many photos were enhanced but until I sat down and was made really aware I just didn’t realise how subtle it was and how skewed my perception of ‘normal’ or ‘beautiful’ was when glancing at these images. So what could this be doing to young minds who are wrangling through the first awkward steps of defining who they are?  

Now I don't have all the answers but I do have a couple of suggestions: 

• this isn't just a girls issue, images of men are being manipulated with equal lack of consideration 
• there are some great folk out there challenging this photoshopped 'ideal' image mania, please see a couple below as examples that you could look at yourself and share with your friends. 
• we need to be educating our friends, colleagues and children about what is actually being done, how we are being duped so they are able to make informed decisions about the media they are viewing 
• be a positive body image role model... if you 'hate' your belly (and why would you as it is like the most amazing fuel processing machine ever!) please don't say this in front of your children... they look up to you (I also know this can be a little tricky at times when your favourite jeans won't do up at the end of the 'hibernating' season!) 
• be aware, notice how you feel and what you say to yourself when viewing other people's bodies in magazines, on the screen or in real life... if it is one of judgement about them or about yourself you might like to challenge some of that commentary to create a healthier respect for the diversity of the human body? 

In closing, I did consider putting a photo of me in my bikini in here as a challenge to the industry of falsified perfection but it is winter, it's jolly cold, and bikini's in winter are just plain silly, unless of course you are travelling somewhere warm! So in the spirit of sensibility I have opted instead to share the following videos. 

References and images: 

For image of Faith Hill http://www.fitsugar.com/Speak-Up-Photoshopped-Faith-Hill-419860
Jezebel.com for more info re. Faith Hill photo:  http://jezebel.com/278919/heres-our-winner-redbook-shatters-our-faith-in-well-not-publishing-but-maybe-god
For some interesting statistics: http://www.raderprograms.com/causes-statistics/media-eating-disorders.html
For some indepth discussion about media and body image: http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1n3d88_killing-us-softly-4_news
Also check out EDANZ for information about services in NZ for disordered eating if this is a concern for you. http://www.ed.org.nz/ 
And there is a plethora of other material! 

Communication: always doing it but can we improve it?

We all communicate, even when we deliberately disconnect from communicating we are sending out a message!

You would think if it is something we do all the time we would get really good at it and eliminate problems that occur through poor communication practices. However, it just doesn't seem that easy.
We communicate in many different ways: 

• what we say- the words 
• how we say it- our tone, our body language 
• our attitude and behaviour 
• how we portray ourselves 

And it is suggested that the what we say may have less impact than other communication channels, how crazy is that?!
There is a widely debated statistic that is shared stating that the words that we use carries 7% of the meaning of the message whilst the other 93% comes through tone and body language. Whilst I don't necessarily agree with the statistics (apparently Albert Mehrabian, the researcher, wasn't happy with how his research was reported or used either) it makes sense that communication is more than just the words we say.

Good communication for me centres on being clear about who you are talking to and knowing what you are wanting to achieve from having the communication.
Some questions you might want to consider asking yourself if you are communicating directly with a particular audience is:

• What's your message?
• What do you want to achieve from passing on this message?
• Are you informing, convincing, reprimanding, clarifying, trying to meet consensus or seeking help/support? 
• What is your relationship with the person/people?   
• Is your audience likely to be receptive?

The words we use: 
Despite what I will come back to shortly I do believe the words we use still communicates a huge amount. We need to think about what will make sense to the people we are speaking to and the purpose behind this communication when choosing our words.
The use of technical terms or jargon can be a real turn off. It can isolate people- the last thing you want to do is make people feel stupid. However sometimes it can bring people together, if it is a shared language. For example, have you ever been in a conversation where a group of teachers get together and start talking school stuff... some of it is unintelligible for non-teachers and if nothing else it can get a little boring but the teachers get it and it is hugely meaningful for them.

Tone: 
How we say what we say is hugely important too. Think about this question: Have you done your homework yet? Now the tone you use can be the start of a fight or a prompt to action or bring on a neutral response.
Where you put your emphasis makes a difference, have a go at saying the following emphasising the word in bold and ask if that impacts on the message that might be received:

• Have you done your homework yet?
• Have you done your homework yet?
• Have you done your homework yet?
• Have you done your homework yet?

Now think about the emotive tone. Try saying "Have you done your homework yet?" with the following emotive tones and again see if it impacts on how the message might be received:

• happy 
• angry 
• relaxed 
• frightened 
• frustrated 
• distracted

This links through to our attitude. If our mind is on something else when we walk into a meeting, perhaps we have a sick child at home and we are worried, or we have had an argument with a loved one at home, this may impact on our delivery. We may appear tense before we even say a word and when we do speak we may have that same tension in our voice despite how we want to come across. Taking a breath, shaking it out, being mindful and knowing yourself and what works to calm yourself down can help you to get some balance. If you know the people you are speaking to you may feel comfortable to explain your morning in some way before you start with the meeting.

Body Language: 
This links through to body language too- how we stand or sit, our facial expression and gestures can all convey meaning. It is suggested that people that are targeted by bullies are more likely to carry themselves passively, head down, shoulders hunched, like they are trying to be smaller... they look vulnerable. Imagine if we came into a conflict situation looking passive, our intent to state our case convincingly is already undermined before we utter a word. If we come into that meeting and we are edgy, clenching fists, shoulders tight, avoiding eye contact, appearing negative... then the people we are meeting with are likely to feel it. I know I do.
To get people alongside we need to be aware of our body language. Consider the statement from above "Have you done your homework yet?" and try saying it with the following stances:

• hands on hips 
• standing over someone who is sitting 
• sitting while the person we are talking to is standing 
• with a smile on your face 
• your palms down on your lap or a table 
• with/without eye contact 
• with your face in your hands 
• with arms folded 

Does how you use your body impact on the tone you use? I am thinking sometimes our body language can influence our tone despite our best intentions or perhaps that is just the perception... but then someone very wise once said 'perception is reality' so how we are perceived is really important when we have a message we want to get across.
If you are working with people who are hyper-vigilant, perhaps they are under a lot of stress (child in an unstable home, co-worker going through a divorce, student really struggling with academic pressure) then the way you come across in interactions can impact hugely on how much what you are saying sinks in. If you appear aggressive or threatening in any way then you may have already lost their focus as they slip into defensive modes to protect themselves. So it pays to run a little mental check over yourself to see if how you may come across is how you want to be perceived.

Other stuff: 
Stereotypes are handy devices used by cartoonists to help tell a story with minimal words. They can be a great storytelling device, they are used on TV all the time. However in real life they really bug me, that people still come to a whole lot of conclusions about a fellow human being before they meet them properly is unfair. It is too easy to short change genuine connection with prejudice, in fact it is lazy, unfortunately our brains are so busy having a constant stream of information coming in that sometimes it takes the easy option if we are not mindful.

I remember as a young teacher I used to wear knee high coloured stripy socks, mini skirts, knitted vests with little animals on them, pig tails and painted my nails with spots or stripes (well before it was cool).... sometimes all at the same time. Not exactly this week's best dressed candidate. I also used to get really frustrated when my colleagues didn't take me seriously, however, I guess it looked like I didn't take things seriously either and so assumptions were made and I had to live with that or work through it. It was a lesson learned and over the years I have learned to adapt my dress depending on my audience but it does irk me a little at times.

It upsets me hugely however when I see parents being judged negatively by teachers just because of how they look or what they wear but worse still is when we judge children by how they look... that little boy with the snotty nose, grubby jersey and smelly socks gets a hard enough time from the other children I am guessing, he deserves a chance from us. As a reliever I don't know these children and their family backgrounds, all I know is that each of them has a right to be valued as a unique human being with gifts, dreams and something to offer. And the ironic thing is that when we judge someone based on how they look we often convey that before they speak so they are already on the back foot and in some cases already defensive because they have seen that look before. It becomes a bit of a vicious circle.

Good Communication 
Mindfulness is key for me when I think about good communication. All parties are present and aware of their internal dialogue, they are checking their biases.
They are listening for meaning, with an intent to understand. This is not about looking for holes so we can leap in and undermine, it is about learning what the other person is saying and then presenting our perspective if necessary.
Good communication is a two way process, we are sending and we are receiving. When I am presenting, I might be doing a whole lot of the talking but I receive a whole lot of feedback throughout my presentation that impacts on what I say and how I say it.

It is funny when I am writing these blogs because I read them aloud to make sure they make sense to me (well as much as possible), but when I speak I use tone and gestures, I do find it hard to keep my hands still. And then when I publish I do so knowing that there is a chunk of what I am hoping will be conveyed that is left to chance because those who read it may not 'hear' it as I do. I imagine that this is a risk that all writers take and why editors or critical friends are so important in the literary process.

I guess a lot of what I have said here is concerned with interpersonal communication as opposed to written only. Regardless good communication is an artform and is dependent on so many variables. I would say that if you feel authentic in your communication then you will be operating from a good place for a start.

If you were to write a list about what good communication looks like or feels like what would your top three indicators be?