A little aside at the end of the week...

Something lighter tonight, a little whimsey perhaps... 

The other day I missed my flight to Auckland (my mistake entirely) so I had to re-book, for a fee of course! When I arrived at my destination the car rental agency took a good thirty minutes to pick me up from the airport and then it was another forty-five minutes waiting at their office to get the car that I had pre-booked. All part of the adventure of travelling and getting upset about it wouldn't change things so largely I just took it as an opportunity to practice patience (and for those of you who don't know me, I can do with the practice!) But this experience did get me thinking about frustration. 

Frustration is described as the feeling of being upset or annoyed as a result of being unable to change or achieve something. Frustration sounds so negative but isn't that just the connotation we put on the word? We create the unfavourable meaning and really it is subjective, it is about how we feel when we are unable to do or get what we want. I don't think frustration is all bad. I'd even say that poor old frustration has been given a bad rap. 

It is said that necessity is the mother of invention but, if not a synonym for necessity, I would pose that frustration is a very close relative- I am no wordsmith but personally I think that necessity is just a slightly more positive turn of phrase. Frustration can lead to creativity, innovation and discovery. Babies can discover their world and their abilities through frustration. Think about why we learn to crawl and walk, it is to do with wanting to reach something or get somewhere that we can't from being stuck in the one spot where we were put. And look at how the world opens up when we master those gross motor functions... there are pot cupboards and pet food bowls and so much more to be explored. It allows us to more fully engage in our world. And we go on from there. 

As we grow we have a choice when faced with frustrating times, we can remain in the negative space of frustration, like being stuck in the spot where we are put, or use the frustration positively to propel us forward into a new way of doing, thinking or being. 

And if you think about it there are a whole lot of other words and phrases that we can use to our detriment or advantage depending on the meaning we place on them. Do you have any that come to mind? I'd love to hear them. 

Thanks again for your feedback and support as I am starting this writing journey, it is a great learning experience. 

Listening to Learn or is it Learning to Listen

“The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them.”  ~Ralph Nichols

A bit of a sideways step this time as listening seems to be a topic that has been presented to me in various ways in the last week or so. I have been writing this on and off over the last few days so I hope it makes sense.

Have you heard the following statement before?

Often people are not really listening, just waiting for their turn to speak

Have you experienced conversations like this? You know, where we seem to be talking at cross purposes. I am thinking many of us have and I would imagine that perhaps a few of us may have been the impatient one wanting their turn!

I know that my impulsivity sometimes has me jumping in during a conversation before I pause to absorb, I know at times I get excited and want to share my great idea or current thought before the other person has finished… so this is a real work in progress for me. I know learning ‘wait time’ made me a better teacher and I hope a better friend. I also know when I manage my impulsivity and attend to the conversation it is amazing how the questions come naturally, how much I learn about the other person, and myself. One of my favourite things is meeting new people and hearing about their world, I have had amazing conversations with fellow passengers on planes (I know this isn’t everyone’s cup of tea!) and taxi drivers and people I meet whilst waiting in line. Even though I rarely meet them again my world is richer for the conversations we have had.

"Listening looks easy, but it's not simple. Every head is a world." — Cuban Proverb

  

For me real listening is about the other person. It has the potential to solve arguments before they start (how often does a conflict arise that is based around miscommunication?) The fine art of listening is sometimes hearing what isn't said, a bit like reading between the lines (but please make sure you check in to see if you are right!) Feeling really heard has the capacity to fill our tanks and improve our sense of wellbeing and worth. Listening is reciprocal- both parties gain from the dialogue, I often learn from you when I actively tune in.

I figure that real listening demands for a short time that we are living in the moment, alongside the person we are listening to, with mind and heart open. We hear them and help them tell their story, by honestly being there. The questions we ask are genuine and not designed to meet our agenda but theirs- sometimes they don’t even know their agenda and being listened to helps them discover it. Celia Lashlie spoke about this at the Teachers Matter conference earlier this year when suggesting that if we want to help people in crisis we need to stop looking at our watches and computers and other assorted gadgets, stop believing we know the answer and know better, and instead focus on the other person, step inside their bubble and hear their truth. I couldn’t agree more.

"Silence is a source of great strength." — Lao Tzu

I am currently doing a course on the Habits of Mind (with KarenBoyes from Spectrum Education- useful personally and professionally) and one of the areas we have been focusing on is pausing, paraphrasing and probing. Very briefly here is the strategy as I understand it:

·        Pausing allows the speaker space to think and speak clearly, they may continue speaking and go deeper than they would normally. Pausing also allows the listener the opportunity to reflect on what they have heard.

·        Paraphrasing is when the listener tells the speaker what they have heard and checks in to see that they have got it right. Paraphrasing gives the speaker a chance to reflect on what they have spoken about and clarify any misconceptions.

·        Probing is when the listener asks questions to get greater clarity about the problem or learn more about the other person and their perspective. Through answering questions the speaker may come to new understandings or greater clarity, they may discover solutions that were hiding inside them. 

This strategy fits with various coaching models including John Shackleton’s method (Inspire Your Team is a practical guide that is easy to read and well worth the effort) and Jan Robertson's Coaching Leadership (another great book especially designed for school setting but the process could transfer well I think). The BIG thing that comes through is that listening is pivotal to building great teams, working with others, contributing to the wellbeing of others and helping people build resiliency (their can-do-ness!).

What a terrific gift to give another person… a little of your time and energy. Thank you for listening to me by reading this, please feel free to send through questions and comments and we can have a conversation :)  

"The greatest compliment that was ever paid me was when one asked me what I thought, and attended to my answer."— Henry David Thoreau

Resources: 

John Shackleton- Inspire Your Team 

Jan Roberston- Coaching Leadership 

Habits of Mind Course 

And for those of you who are looking for a longer quote, just in case, I thought I would share this with you too :)

"To listen fully means to pay close attention to what is being said beneath the words. You listen not only to the 'music,' but to the essence of the person speaking. You listen not only for what someone knows, but for what he or she is. Ears operate at the speed of sound, which is far slower than the speed of light the eyes take in. Generative listening is the art of developing deeper silences in yourself, so you can slow our mind’s hearing to your ears’ natural speed, and hear beneath the words to their meaning."

— Peter Senge

Filling up tanks

My last post was focused on resilience and I finished with a comment about kindness to others being a great way to support their resilience so this post sort of comes from that... please forgive me if I repeat myself a little from previous posts but a lot of this knits together- it is like weaving a tapestry of thoughts and ideas really.  

In order for us to respond at our best our brains need to be able to work at their best. Our brains are the most amazing chemical factories, producing the chemicals that help our cells communicate and make us think, feel and do. Some of these chemicals aid memory, create feelings of relaxation or joy, support our decision making skills and so forth. Now it's like these chemicals are stored in little tanks at the end of brain cells and as different chemicals are needed a small amount is released, the message is passed on and the thought, memory, feeling or action happens (or not as the case may be but we won't go into that here). Some of the chemical may be returned to its tank after use but not all and not always so the brain is constantly making more... and the brilliant thing is we can help our brain fill up those tanks. Not only that, we can help fill other people's tanks too. 

Our positive behaviours have a huge impact on brain function and supporting the filling of our tanks. Fulfilling basic needs is a great start- drinking water, breathing clean fresh air, eating a balanced diet with plenty of fruit and veg, getting enough sleep, exercise and positive contact with others. Add to this managing our stress, feeling safe where we live, go to school or work, laughter, connecting with nature, giving, helping others, learning something new, taking responsible risks, moments of success, acts of kindness, getting out of your comfort zone, practicing gratitude, setting goals, having good things to look forward to, listening to music, being creative... I am sure you get the picture.    

I maintain that one of the most important positive relationships we need to foster is the one we have with ourselves. What we say to ourselves is really important. The brain is amazing and works really hard to make what we think and feel become real so if we call ourselves 'dumb' or 'stupid' then the brain will look for ways to reinforce that. I figure that our brain is just trying to make us feel that we are right. And the more we say something the harder the brain will work to make it true. So it stands to reason that breaking the habit of negative self talk and replacing it with a new positive self talk habit is a good idea. 

I was given a copy of the poem Truth by a group of students in Ranfurly a long time ago when we were talking about what we say and the difference we can make to someone else, it is something I have always remembered and I think it is well worth finishing with this. What we hear said about us and to us can help us frame our own self talk so we need to be mindful, especially with our children. Words are powerful and they can fill or empty someone's tanks including your own... words are powerful, kindness is key, use your power wisely and your kindness freely. 

Truth
By Barrie Wade (he is a poet and author, click here for a link to a couple of his books)

Sticks and stones may break my bones, 
but words can also hurt me. 
Stones and sticks break only skin, 
while words are ghosts that haunt me. 

Slant and curved the word-swords fall
to pierce and stick inside me. 
Bats and bricks may ache through bones,
but words can mortify me.

Pain from words has left its scar
on mind and heart that’s tender. 
Cuts and bruises now have healed;
it’s words that I remember. 


Some resources that might be useful for you: 
The Neurological Foundation of NZ has a great poster to reinforce some brain healthy behaviours, click here for a copy to print and the Mental Health Foundation of NZ has these resources for printing as well.   

Bouncing Back

Bouncing back

I believe resilience is vital to wellbeing and have been really interested in this for a long time so thought I'd share some thoughts today. 

Andrew Fuller (http://www.andrewfuller.com.au) describes resilience as the “happy knack of being able to bungy jump through the pitfalls of life.” I quite like this description for a number of reasons, and not only because I enjoy Andrew Fuller’s work. Three key phrases from this statement are:  

Happy knack- implies a positive sense of self efficacy, a can-do-ness vibe (I know that isn’t a real word but I think it should be)

Bungy jump- is about bouncing back but I think we are often changed in some way as we know experience changes brain circuitry 

Pitfalls of life- without the ups and downs of life we would be flatlined (a.k.a. dead) so highs and lows are not always a bad thing, they can help us to grow and learn and keep life interesting 

Resilience is not something that can be given to people, it can't be taught per se, there isn't a one size fits all and it is not a constant. Our resilience levels shift and change depending on our experience, circumstances, our own health and the events happening around us at a given time.

Resilience to me is about having tools or options for when times are tough or things go wrong.  

If we see resilience as a bit of a toolbox or kete (basket) then the greater variety of tools we have access to then we are better able to be resilient. As an example, my father passed away four years ago, through the grief process I have realised there were times when I would naturally go to dad for support, he was part of my toolbox, and now that he wasn't there I had to find other ways to help myself bounce back. This impacted on my sense of resilience as I needed to develop new strategies at the same time as coping with a major loss.  

The pitfalls of life are not always something to be avoided. In fact through adversity our sense of resiliency can sometimes be strengthened, if we get through a tough time we may be able to breed a stronger sense of can-do-ness, an “I can cope” mentality.

A little aside about pitfalls is that what my 40+ years worth of experience calls adversity will be different to my 3 year old’s perspective and it will also be different to my 40+ year old friends and colleagues as well. So, as a teacher, if I have a 5 year old who has lost a pencil and is upset I need to acknowledge that I don’t know what his/her experience of loss is. We now have an opportunity to help him/her identify or develop tools so in future s/he may be better prepared to cope with a similar loss. 

Also the tools that work for me may well be different to those that work for someone else and tools used in the past may not work as well for future adversity or alternatively may provide a platform to build from depending on the circumstance. As I said earlier, it is not a one-size-fits-all thing.

So what does your toolbox look like?

If we were a builder we wouldn’t turn up to a job with only a hammer, we would have a range of tools available, just in case. Like the builder I think that we need to have a range of tools to help us in times of stress and it is best that the majority of these tools are packed before we are faced with a serious situation so pretending/role play, rehearsing, discussing what ifs, reading about things and establishing positive healthy habits may all help. There is also the role of prior experience e.g. having changed roles in the past I am more aware of the impact of this sort of significant change and am better able to cope this time round.

We know that the brain works better when stress is handled well, our can-do-ness will come in to play when we are able to access our brain’s higher functions (see my previous post re brain and stress)  so it makes sense that those things that help to open the doors could be good tools for a starter:

• ·         Balanced diet – think about fresh fruit and veg and minimising takeaways and sweet treats
• ·         Exercise and stretching
• ·         Adequate sleep
• ·         Love/kindness
• ·         Positive relationships
• ·         Sense of belonging/connectedness  
• ·         Sense of purpose
• ·         Doing something to help someone else
• ·         Ensuring you are hydrated (water is best by the way!)
• ·         Breathing
• ·         Practicing gratitude
• ·         Time out
• ·         Positive self talk/affirmations
• ·         Connecting with nature
• ·         The things that you do that fill your soul…

What other items would you add to this list?

Please note: I believe those tools that are used regularly are more likely to be those that we use when we need them, so the more we practice every day the better prepared we are for those tough times.  

Just as a little parting thought as I know I have talked a lot about us as individuals in this post... if our default attitude with others is one of kindness then I believe we have the power to potentially have a positive impact on someone's resiliency, especially if they are in one of those pitfalls. Stay aware because we never know who we might be influencing.   

You are not Atlas carrying the world...

So it has been quite a few days since I last posted, I haven't been idle... the brain has been working away at a few things. 

One thing that has taken my fancy was a little quote that I came upon in a book store recently. Vandana Shiva, the philosopher said 'You are not Atlas carrying the world on your shoulder. It is good to remember that the planet is carrying you.'

There are a few ideas that spin from this for me, I apologise in advance for the meandering nature of this post. 

Firstly, it takes me back to thinking about leadership. We, as leaders, may have to shoulder more responsibility at times but that does not mean that the burden is all ours to carry. Indeed if we are the only ones invested in a positive outcome then there is something wrong and I would suggest we need to step back and take a good look at ourselves and those around us.

How do we engender that sense of shared responsibility (and this can be in our families, in our work, in a social or service group or in a classroom)? Here are a few ideas for a starter: 

1. Does everyone agree in what we are there to do? 
2. Does everyone believe in what we are doing? 
3. Do they know what their role is? Do they want to perform that role? Do they have the skills to perform that role? 
4. What does success look like to each person involved? How will they know they have succeeded with the mission? 
5. What turns them on and what switches them off? How can you find out? Think about the environment they are working in, how they like to be rewarded or recognised, where they get their energy from etc 

What else would you add to this list? 

Going back to the quote, another part that I take from this relating to leadership is the importance of nurturing yourself and realising you do not have to always be switched on and making things happen. Celia Lashlie talked about the importance of tending to your own soul to help you to fulfill the mission of giving your best to those you work with (although she was talking about teachers and children I see this relates to other leadership situations), in fact she went as far as to say if you don't look after yourself you will bleed out and potentially become soulless in your work. And we don't want to go there! So, how do you nurture yourself? As Celia asked at the Teachers Matter Conference this year, what boundaries do you put in place so you can replenish your soul? 

On a personal note, I have recently taken myself out of the rat race for a few weeks and have found that there was so much happening that I was simply missing because I was so wound up and go, go, go all the time. I was passionate about what I was doing, that was how I sustained it for so long, but I wasn't mindful enough to nurture myself. Once I had finished my previous role, for a short time, I just stopped and rested. Then as I started myself up again I have found I am able to access creative thought more easily, that I am more self reflective, that I am able to focus better, that I am achieving greater clarity, seeing more opportunities and I am more comfortable taking risks. I know I am lucky to have had this window of time to nurture myself but am now very aware of the merits of making this a priority going forward. 

It is said that engaging with nature is one of the most nurturing things you can do, and I have to say a few days camping near a lake with little technology but good conversation and plenty of fresh air works wonders. So the final insight that I have taken from the quote above is that if we connect to nature then it is easier for the planet to support us. Simple things like... eating food that is grown, nurturing a plant, growing our own food, walking in the bush, forest or a park, having a picnic on the grass, visiting a river or a beach, going swimming in a lake or the sea, fishing, picking apples... well the list is probably endless! These little actions show that in making a simple connection with nature our souls can be filled at the same time. How simply wonderful is that? 

I am sure that there are many more insights that could be taken from this statement, if you wish please feel free to share yours. 

Remember, you are not alone and the burdens you carry are not yours alone. 

'You are not Atlas carrying the world on your shoulder. It is good to remember that the planet is carrying you.' Vandana Shiva

Self leadership

Last time I was writing the focus was on stress and the brain... and one thing that I have reflected on since is the impact this has on you personally. That has lead me to thinking about self leadership.

A quote for self leadership me thinks :)

I am thinking that mastery over our thoughts is at the heart of self leadership. This is not necessarily an easy task. As we were talking in my last post when we are under stress our ability to access our higher cognitive functions is impaired, doors are shut or at least a little sticky, and the greater the stress the more likely we are to become bogged down in the red room of few options, the react rather than respond space. 

In order to gain mastery over our thoughts we first need to gain awareness of our thinking. I like to think that there is a little portion of ourselves watching what we are doing with dispassionate fascination, and if we can tap in to that little watcher we are better able to recognise our own thoughts. We can watch our thoughts at different times and in different situations, we can then become better predictors of our behaviour. 

This awareness also comes down to hearing how we talk to and about ourselves. Without self awareness it is too easy to become an enemy within. The negative self critical voice can start quite young, we can hear children say things like... 'I can't do that' and 'I am bad at maths' (or an alternative subject/task), worse still we hear things like 'I'm stupid' or 'I'm dumb'. As we go on this voice might say things like the following to us 'you don't deserve love', 'you are unworthy', 'everyone is against you', 'you always screw things up' etc. (We wouldn't talk to our best friends like this!) This voice often becomes louder when we are not operating from our thinking room, and we are less able to offer it a strong counter argument so it can be quite convincing if we are not mindful. 

If we have greater self knowledge we will better know those things that build us up and those that break us down. When we are faced with stressful situations we can bring into action those things that build us up which will help to quieten that negative voice. When we are in a situation where we are working with things that are bringing us down we can challenge our own self judgements and again harness the energy of what builds us up. It comes down to being aware... of ourselves and the environment around us and taking action when we can. 

Be mindful and become your own best friend as part of the journey to self leadership. 

Stress and the brain

So lately I seem to have seen and read a bit about stress, the brain and development. This is something that I have been interested in for a long time as a health educator, teacher and leader. 

From my understanding, experience and learning it would appear that the brain learns and thinks better in a calm and happy place ... not really new news at all. Glenn Capelli describes it beautifully and simply in his Magic Brain model where the brain is divided into three main rooms; a blue thinking room, a multi-coloured feeling room, and the red room of fight flight or freeze. Fear and stress takes us into the red room and shuts the doors to the other rooms so our brain has really limited options, in fact it can just react to the threat. (For more information check out the Thinking Learning Classroom by Glenn Capelli and Sean Brealey.) This is supported by other research- click here for another clip from the ChildTrauma Academy Channel that explains impact of stress on brain functioning really well. 

I think this is important knowledge for us when working with others and also in our own self mastery. 

• As a teacher, if you are working with parents or children in a stressful situation then they may be operating more from the red room. 
• As an employer, if you have an employee who has suffered a loss or is coping with change then they may be operating more from the red room. 
• As a parent, if your child is having problems at school, not fitting in, struggling with the work or dealing with bullying and feeling powerless, they too may be operating from the red room. 
• If you are under stress, you too may be operating from the red room more. And if we are thinking from the red room then we are more likely to react than respond. 

For those of us in leadership positions (in our work, in a classroom, in our families) I suggest this awareness could have a powerful impact on our behaviour and therefore those around us. I spoke in an earlier blog about Celia Lashlie suggesting that we need to sit alongside those we are working with, to empathise, to be prepared to enter into their reality and then to show moral courage ... we need to step back from our own place of judgement and make it safe for people so they can open the doors to feel more widely and then be able to think more clearly and perhaps then come to their own solutions around the stressful situations they are living with. This approach could then lead to greater resilience through a knowledge that they are capable, which in turn helps them escape the red room of limited options and potentially be more able to reach their own potential. 

This understanding also impacts on the environment we create, our learning, home or work environment. If it is one of fear or stress or condemnation then it is likely to produce more red room responses- a quote about teaching that I like goes along the lines that "it is that the teacher dictates the weather in the classroom" ... I think this applies in all situations where we are leading. 

Below is the quote by Haim Ginott which I have seen in several school staff rooms. I wonder what would happen if we each took this on board, knowing that we can make a difference to those around us and their thinking potential and by doing so also help ourselves? (Wee tip: try exchanging workplace/home for classroom, leader for teacher etc)  

I have come to a frightening conclusion.
I am the decisive element in the classroom.
It is my personal approach that creates the climate.
It is my daily mood that makes the weather.
As a teacher I possess tremendous power to make a child's life miserable or joyous.
I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration.
I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal.
In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis
will be escalated or de-escalated, and a child humanized or de-humanized.

Between Teacher and Child