Perfection is a lie we tell ourselves to keep us playing small

Who loves failing? Can I hear a YAY? Not many huh?

Failure usually hurts in some way, even when we know it is a key to learning and growth. Some failure can hurt others and even cause major problems, but thankfully most failures aren’t that catastrophic. Most failures actually seem to end up hurting our pride and our sense of self more than anything else which whilst not catastrophic can have serious ripple effect.

The pain caused by failure is there to protect us so we remember not to make that mistake again. It was extremely useful in the ancient past when our lives literally depended on not repeating mistakes like wandering near a certain cave where something with big teeth and claws was hanging out! However our pain avoidance muscles can play tricks on us in the modern world, we are no longer likely to be eaten by a sabre tooth tiger (feel free to replace this with a more accurate ancient animal) if we make a mistake but the weight of public opinion, self judgement and anxiety seem to have teeth and claws too. And once their claws sink in it can be hard to shift them.

So we protect ourselves.

We avoid the risk of making mistakes.

To our own detriment.

One of the fanciest ways to protect ourselves is perfectionism which often comes with a range of side-kicks, my favourite being procrastination. Striving for perfection seems like admirable goal and to be fair I am very grateful if the surgeon who operates on my loved ones has a desire to be as close to perfect as possible. But how many times do we put off things because it isn’t perfect? We don’t go for a walk because the weather isn’t as nice as it could be. We don’t call a friend because we aren’t feeling as happy as we think we should be. We don’t go out because we haven’t lost as much weight as we wanted to. We don’t follow through on the idea, start the business, write the book etc because we haven’t got the time/energy/finances/support to make it perfect. We put this all off for a sunnier, happier, skinnier, slower day… that never comes! This perfect day is a lie we have been told, usually by people trying to sell us something, and it’s one that we keep telling ourselves. To an extent it keeps us safe but it also keeps us small.  

A rich, fulfilling life isn’t perfect. I recall a line from a poem often quoted by a wise mentor of mine, Trevor Grice, ‘if it weren’t for the rocks in its bed, the stream would have no music’. We need the ups and downs of life to truly experience the range of emotions that give life its colour, goodness the world would be boring if everything was coloured sunshine yellow!

Mediocrity is not the solution to perfection by procrastination though. Stepping bravely, embracing our vulnerability, toward uncertainty is what we are aiming for.  Embracing good enough and kaizen (the concept of small, seemingly imperceptible, changes over time) is part of it. Trusting ourselves and others more helps. Letting go of trying to control everyone and everything is certainly going to reduce our stress and give us some relief. This means accepting that others aren’t perfect either.

I believe strongly that we all have gifts and talents. I worry that many of these gifts and talents never get fulfilled because of the lies we tell ourselves about perfection. You are already good enough and you never know just how great you could be until you take that leap of faith to find out… are you ready?  

Do you think you are better than everyone else- a reflection

A couple of years ago I wrote a post entitled 'Do you think you are better than everyone else' where I recounted a story from my childhood that does haunt me even now (over 30 years later)... it was a tiny moment really but the words cut deep and created a loop that pops up from time to time. At the moment I am participating (a little!) in a blog challenge with giftEDnz and I am also in the midst of school holidays so a LOT of personal reflection is going on. I have also started reading Brene Brown's book 'Rising Strong' as resilience is a topic I am interested in and I love her work, it has got me thinking about vulnerability again and facing my own demons. I am not gifted but I think that the moment I had as a child could be one some of our gifted and talented tamariki experience, the words (and the venom they are delivered with) might be different but the damage done could be similar.

This is the moment (click on the link above for more): 

'I was one of those kids that loved learning, heck I still do, and I was always looking to stretch myself, again I still do. One day when I must've been about 11 years old, I had completed some work earlier than my classmates, I had checked it and then waited in line to ask my teacher if I could please have some more work. The response from my teacher was less than supportive, in fact the response was a loud (enough to silence the rest of my classmates) "so you think you are better than everyone else?" I was horrified. That was not what I meant at all, I just wanted some more work to keep myself busy and tried to explain that in a quiet voice but to no avail. I didn't get any more work, all I got was humiliated and shamed. '

I never thought of myself as a particularly precocious child, but maybe I was, who knows? What I do know is that this experience made me nervous to stand up, to speak up, to be vulnerable. I vividly remember sitting at my desk having completed my work and looking around the classroom seeing everyone else still working away (or goofing off because we were a class of real human beings with different needs, skills and interests... however they were doing so in an unobtrusive manner to avoid being caught), I weighed up the option of staying there quietly and doing nothing but it was going to be a long time which would be really boring and I thought perhaps my teacher would be proud of me showing an interest and desire to do more (people pleasing is something I mastered early on... a work in progress too) so I took a deep breath and walked to his desk. I'll never forget the look of disdain as he spoke to me... or perhaps disdain is what I perceived rather than what was really there, never-the-less the look, the words, the silence... it stung. 

Fast forward now to last week, and I am presenting a workshop at a conference. As always there was the flutter... what right do I have being here talking to people about stuff? What makes me think I am good enough to do this? Now, I have a process to tamper that down and walk into the vulnerability, face the fear and do it anyway kind of approach. The workshop went well, I think, and at the end one of the teachers there asked if she could come and observe in my classroom... instant anxiety flare... and I fumbled my way through saying yes of course but please know it is a work in progress and I am on  a journey and certainly haven't got it all sorted etc etc etc. I created the excuses immediately because perhaps one of my biggest fears is being exposed as the fraud I am sure I am. After all, what actually makes me think that I have anything to offer? Cue the refrain: What makes me think I am better than anyone else? 

Now I know that this is mind talk and that I have the skills to manage that but the seeds planted in our early years can grow strong roots. In those times when our vulnerability is exposed that is perhaps when those seeds that have grown over the years blossom in their healing or hurting way depending on what seeds are planted and then nurtured. 

And so, my challenge for myself is to be present and aware of the seeds I am planting and those I am nurturing in the minds and hearts of the young people I am privileged to work with. To prune what I can of the harmful ones and provide light, warmth and nutrients to the ones that will help my tamariki flourish in all the ways they can. 

A mind working over time

I've gotta stop my mind
Working overtime
It's driving me insane
It will not let me live
Always so negative
It's become my enemy

(From Save Me by Jem)

Last month I was presenting at the Teachers Matter Conference in Wellington. It is a real privilege to attend these professional development events and to be invited to present is a huge honour indeed. And one I didn’t take lightly.

When Karen asked me if I would be interested in coming along I didn’t hesitate, I was in and I was excited. This would be my third opportunity to work at the Teachers Matter Conference and the previous times had been massive for my own learning as a presenter as well as providing me with the opportunity to be inspired both personally and professionally as a teacher, parent and general human being.

As the time passed I started to become anxious… I didn’t recognise it as such at the time however, I just thought I was uninspired, stressed, tired. I found it hard to get what I wanted sorted easily, it was like writers block I guess, and then the self-doubt kicked in and it was brutal…

• ·         Perhaps Karen made a mistake? Or she was being too kind.
• ·         What do I have to offer? I have nothing to offer.
• ·         What makes me think I am good enough to stand in front of other teachers spouting off stuff? I am not as good as I think I am, I am a complete fraud.
• ·         What if I screw this up? I’ll ruin the conference and let everyone down!

Wowsers, I was being pretty tough on myself at the time and in hindsight I was actually self-sabotaging quite skilfully.

Why would I think such things
Crazy thoughts have quick wings
Gaining momentum fast
One minute I am fine
The next I've lost my mind
To a fake fantasy

(From Save Me by Jem)

This is the crux of the matter, I was projecting a negative outcome to an event that was still a few weeks away. I hadn’t actually recognised clearly this was what I was doing at the time so I didn’t press the STOP button and get off the beat-myself-up merry-go-round when it would have been healthy to do so.

The closer the day came the more wound up I became as the thoughts twisted and turned in my mind. I so wanted to do a really good job for Karen who I admire enormously and the conference delegates who had paid to be there and were attending in their holiday time. I felt that what I did would impact on the quality of the event for the delegates and the reputation of Spectrum Education and I so wanted to give my best for all. The pressure I had put myself under was really intense and unnecessary. It didn’t help me at all.

And the thing was… that NONE of this was real yet… the conference still hadn’t started!

Insecurities keep growing
Wasted energies are flowing
Anger, pain and sadness beckon
Panic sets in in a second

(From Save Me by Jem)

And then the day arrived. Did I give my best? I did the best I could at the time but I still feel that I could have done better if I had relaxed and enjoyed it more. Watching the video (which is useful once you get over the cringe factor!) I can see the moment where I actually relax and start enjoying myself. I get a buzz presenting and sharing ideas with others and it did come but the energy I wasted in getting there robbed some of this for me and therefore it took it from the presentation too. And the thing is I had allowed it to, unwittingly perhaps, but I still let it happen.

Be aware it's just your mind
And you can stop it anytime

(From Save Me by Jem)

So why am I sharing this story of insecurity with you? Well firstly because it is still wandering around in my mind and I need to let the words out. It is also because it isn’t all doom and gloom, it has been a really interesting learning experience and part of what I do is share learning.

After the conference I went through a little self reflection, obviously, I have realised I have some perfectionist tendencies. If you look at my messy garage and abysmal filing systems you might, like me, be confused by this as I was but it isn’t about having things perfect. Brene Brown describes perfectionism as “a twenty-ton shield that we lug around with us thinking that it will protect us when, in reality, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight.” Pretty heavy huh? (In more than one way!) And when I think about it, this is where the self-sabotage comes in… it’s almost like it is a way of protecting us from potential hurt/failure from flying too high but it actually holds us down and holds us back from what we could be if we were truly authentic.

I have also read a book called Presence by Amy Cuddy, an easy but informative read that gives practical explanations for research and concrete strategies to apply the learning in real life… largely based around faking it till you believe it using our body to give brain positive signals of presence and power. In this book Amy also talks a lot about imposter syndrome, this is where even despite evidence to the contrary, we feel that we will be found out to be not as good at something as people might believe. We believe ourselves to be frauds undeserving of our achievements, that we were lucky in our successes, and that at any time our lack of ability will be discovered and others will be dreadfully disappointed. It robs us from the joy of when things go well and has a tendency to have us exaggerate our limitations or failures.  

So what is the cure? Well I don’t quite know but I happened upon the following forty minute clip and have noticed it has helped me. The clip is called The biggest disease affecting humanity “I am not enough” by Marisa Peer. I thoroughly recommend the investment of time if you think you might be susceptible to a little negative mind chatter… like many of us!

So where have I come to now. Well I am enough. I am worthy. I do not need to prove myself to anyone, let alone the biggest critic, my own mind! I am enough and the realisation of this is quite freeing. I am remembering to enjoy the little successes along the way rather than minimising them and looking towards the things that have gone wrong or the next step. And I am looking forward to presenting again with this much clearer insight. 

Ok so here we go
If it works I'll let you know

(From Save Me by Jem)

I love the music of Jem and the song quoted ‘Save Me’ is one of my favourites. I have used it throughout this piece as it quite accurately sums up some of the thinking patterns I am describing.

Learning with the brain in mind

This post is a nod to my friend and mentor Karen Boyes who I remember talking about the comfort and learning zones at a conference a long time ago... I loved the concept and intend to share this with our class this term as we continue to learn about our brilliant brains. 

I recently shared a post about considering the brain with behaviour management and shared some tools I have used to help explain the brain to the children I have worked with. Using Glenn Capelli's magic brain model to help describe behaviour has been effective and so using the same model I intend to focus on learning with the brain in mind (see below)... it could be said we are able to learn our best when we are in the Learning Zone which in the model below is in the blue thinking room.  

Here is a little reminder of Glenn's Magic Brain model: 

1. The blue thinking room- where we have heaps of choices and this is where heaps of our learning happens 
2. The glitter room of emotions (Glenn talks about this being the multicoloured room)- this is where our feelings are and when we are feeling big emotions or lots of emotions it can get pretty messy in here which makes it hard to the get to the door for the thinking room so we need to calm the glitter down 
3. The red room of limited choices- often when we are afraid or angry we end up in the red room where we really only have 2-3 choices... fight, flight or freeze,  when the brain stem is engaged then the cerebral cortex is offline

One way to define a concept is by defining what it isn't so to explore what a Learning zone looks like I'll first establish what it isn't by looking at two extremes of a continuum... the Comfort zone and the Danger zone and what some internal dialogue relating to this might be.  

Comfort Zone	Danger Zone
This is easy I don’t even need to think about it I am so good at this Yawn…	This is probably going to kill me!!!

So the Learning zone sits in the middle of these two extremes but it isn't there alone... the Fear zone is also there  so our continuum now looks a little like this... 

Comfort Zone	Learning Zone		Danger Zone
	Fear Zone

When we are faced with a learning challenge, depending on our personal expectations, self talk and prior experience among other things, we will either enter the Learning zone or the Fear zone. 
Below is some internal (and even external) dialogue learners might have when they are in the Learning and Fear zones. 

Learning Zone	Fear Zone
This is challenging (the brain loves challenge!)	This is too hard
This might be fun	This is stupid
I can’t do this, yet	I can’t do this
Mistakes are part of learning	Mistakes are bad
Oops, I got that wrong this time	Getting things wrong is bad
I don’t know this, yet	I don’t know this
This reminds me of something else that I know	This doesn’t relate to anything I know at all
Asking for help is part of learning	Asking for help means that I am stupid or dumb
I am a learner	I am a failure

The Learning zone lets us into the blue thinking room of the brain whereas the Fear zone takes us through the glitter room of emotions and sometimes into the red room of limited choices. 

If our learners go into the Fear zone when presented with something new then the chances of them getting as much out of it as they could is really limited... unless we can help them to identify what is happening in their brain at the time and find ways to access the blue thinking room. Please note: I am not suggesting we try to remove emotions from learning at all, in fact emotions are powerfully useful in learning just not so much when they stay all shaken up and are keeping the door to the blue room closed, so we need to find ways to keep that door open. 

So how can we help move into the Learning zone if we find ourselves in the Fear zone? Well this is one of the questions we'll be discussing in our class at some stage but in the meantime here are a couple of suggestions that I can offer: 

• Think about another time when you learned something and it was really hard and then it got easier... often learning something new is hard at the start and that's normal.  
• Relate to children learning to walk... they don't try once, fall over and then based on that experience decide that clearly walking isn't for them! They try and try and try again, persistence is a key to learning. Making mistakes, getting things wrong, falling over is part of learning. 
• Remind yourself that it is OK to make mistakes... as a teacher you have the ability to support this mental framework so how do you make sure your learners know mistakes are OK? 
• YET is a powerful word, it supports developing a growth mindset. 'I can't do this yet' is empowering where just stating 'I can't do this' is limiting. 
• Remind ourselves that the brain LOVES challenges. Challenges help to form new connections and keep things interesting for the brain. 
• There are strategies we can use to help make learning new things easier, here are a couple: 1. scaffolding- by relating the new material to something else we have done or learned in the past; 2. break it down- see if you can break the new learning down into it's parts so we are learning one smaller thing at a time rather than something absolutely ENORMOUS!  
• Stop, Breathe, Think, Do works here too... when we hear ourselves saying that we are dumb or stupid or can't do this then that is a sign we need to STOP (have a break) and breathe. Then think about what we can do: perhaps ask for clarification or help if we need it; or have another go; or try a new strategy.

This work is designed to help make brain science accessible to our learners and I hope that as we work together the children will develop it further in ways that I can't predict, and that they will become more curious about their own amazing brains. For me the more I learn about this, the more I want to know and greater my appreciation for the magnificence of the human brain and our potential becomes. 

This is about empowerment of the learner, supporting them to better know themselves so they can unlock the potential within and shine which I figure is a big part of our role as parents, caregivers, teachers, school administrators, educationalists. I do appreciate your feedback and suggestions as I continue to build on these concepts with our children and hope that something in here might be useful for others as well. 

Some links that you may find interesting: 

From this blog: 

Managing difficult behaviour with the brain in mind (+some poetry and lesson ideas) 

Supporting at risk students- reflecting on teaching practices to support students

Why we need mindfulness in our schools- a few thoughts about mindfulness in the classroom

Karen Boyes: 

Effort vs Accomplishment - a summary around fixed and growth mindsets

Everything is hard before it is easy- looking at this aspect of being in the learning zone 

Brene Brown: 

The power of vulnerability- exploring the feeling of vulnerability and seeing the powerful and positive that can be found in it (great for our own learning and development) 

Are you being a human being right now?

Are you a human being? Of course you are in scientific terms but let's think a little wider.

What else might you be if you are not being a human being? 

Well you could be a human doing or a human been. 

A human doing is busy. They are always thinking about 'stuff''. They may be worrying about things. Committed human doings are likely to be perfectionists and/or procrastinators. They are likely to say yes even when they aren't sure they have the time or energy to add another thing to the list. They avoid silence, there is always something happening. 

Some of this may come from people pleasing, some of it could be a way of avoiding facing ourselves, some of it might just be habit. 

A human been spends time living in the past. They worry over old regrets. They may relive past events in their minds and hold on to old hurts. They are afraid to step out of their comfort zone because they may have failed in the past. 

Some of this may come from being hurt, some of it could be to avoid taking risks, some of it might be because they want to resolve something from their past. 

A human being is focused on what is happening here and now. They notice the taste of their food, what they see and feel. They appreciate that what is happening right now will pass. This does not mean that they are living in a perpetual bliss with every moment wonderful but that they are aware of themselves in the moments as they move through life. 

This for me is where mindfulness resides and there is a whole lot of good news about practicing mindfulness for mental, social, emotional and physical health.  

Many spiritual masters and mindfulness experts talk about human being/doing dynamics. I have a feeling for most of us we are a little of the three types mentioned above at different times. It is useful to raise our awareness though and know what type of human we are in different circumstances so we can balance ourselves better, improve our sense of empowerment and even improve our relationships with others.

At the moment I am in a human doing zone... there is a lot happening and at times it has been threatening to overwhelm me. In the midst of this chaos (and trust me it has felt a little chaotic) I have created moments of clarity and simplicity which have helped me cope. This morning for example I put my little boy who has been unwell this week in the pushchair and took the dogs for a walk. It was a gorgeous spring morning here and we stopped to talk to a couple of older ladies who patted the dogs, looked closely at a train (the way that some of the machinery is visible is quite neat so we were able to look at springs and pistons etc), noticed the stunning blossom on a weeping cherry tree and enjoyed going down hills fast and over the bumpy gravel. This hour out of a busy and tiring time was the best medicine ever and that is because I left the house as a human being not a human been or human doing... it could just have easily been doing another thing to cross off my to do list or a time where I allowed my mind to wander to worrying over problems from the past or what else I needed to get done. The frame of mind I chose did not change what I did but it made a significant difference in how I felt and what I gained from the time spent. 

It has taken me a long time to understand that it is OK to switch off from our mind chatter, the world will not stop if we do. I am so grateful for this awareness, it is empowering. We cannot always choose the circumstances we are presented with but we can sometimes choose the type of human that we are in those circumstances.  

To help get started just every so often check in with yourself and ask what sort of human am I right now? And then check that the choice you have made is working for you. 

Letting go to keep moving ahead

Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing the monkey bars...
you have to let go at some point in order to move forward. C.S. Lewis

I like this analogy, I like it a lot. If we hold on too long then we might fall off altogether but we do have a choice!

Life is full of ups and downs, to be fair some people have had more than their fair share of disappointments. I have met a few people in recent months who have gone through significant change in their lives and the thing that comes through so strongly is the power that our attitude has on our ability to make peace with our circumstances (current or past!).

I remember hearing Robyn Moore speaking a long time ago about gratitude and forgiveness, how the act of gratitude helps us let go and move forward. During the session she got us to think of a past hurt and the people who were connected with it and then suggested that we think about what we can be grateful to those people for. At the time I struggled with this. She talked about the ability in that moment of gratitude for us to find forgiveness so we could move forward. It wasn't until a number of years had passed that this really made sense to me. Like a lot of folk I had had a bad relationship and it ended in hurt. I had moved on largely but it wasn't until one day driving in incredibly icy conditions where I really understood what Robyn was talking about. As I came to a steep downhill section, I was extremely nervous, the road ahead was treacherous... and at that moment it occurred to me to use engine breaking which my ex-partner had taught me. When I had navigated the worst of it for some reason the words of Robyn came back and it all made sense. I felt lighter, I felt really free.

There is a wise old saying that goes something like this, holding onto anger is like holding a hot coal and expecting the other person/people to get burnt. All is does is hurt us, it uses our energy, it has the capacity to sap our joy... all while the other party is usually quite unaware that any hurt or anger remains. I can't say that I have mastered this but the awareness I now have has helped hugely with more recent disappointments and given me a strategy to manage the ups and downs. Developing an attitude of gratitude is worth the effort.

I guess this also about owning our feelings rather than allowing your emotions to be dictated by others- we are not puppets and whilst we may not be responsible for the circumstances we find ourselves in, we do have power over our own emotions. This does not mean we will not feel anger or hurt or disappointment, of course we will and rightly so, but if we stay angry or hurt or disappointed then we need to look at ourselves and ask if we are hanging on to a monkey bar or hot coal that is no longer serving us. If we are holding on to those negative emotions we are potentially causing ourselves deeper hurt, greater pain.

We deserve every joy that life offers us and too often miss it when our hearts and minds are cluttered with unresolved anger. So, in thinking about this, who or what in your life could you from something to be grateful for so you can keep on swinging ahead in your life?

Image sourced: http://www.barbarabutler.com/glossary.php?doc_id=1104936268&section=climbing

Change = living fully rather than merely existing?

It is said that the only constant in life is change and if you think about nature this rings true... everything changes. We have tides, seasons, rocks are ground down over time to become sand, water can become ice, all animals are born and age, and some things like our butterflies go through dramatic transformations in their life time.

So why do some of us attach such negativity to the concept of change? Well I think it is fear... fear of losing what we have, fear of uncomfortable feelings, fear of vulnerability and fear of the unknown. What are we allowing fear to hold us back from?

As I have already said change is part of life. This image represents that well. When there are ups and downs that is a good thing because it means that the heart is beating and the patient is alive. When there are no ups and downs then that is bad news because the heart is no longer beating.

If we avoid change to protect ourselves from feeling vulnerable and experiencing emotions like sadness, disappointment, fear or embarrassment then we are often denying ourselves the opportunity to feel truly joyful, and also to feel a fulfilled sense of calm and peacefulness. In that situation we are flatlining, we are not truly living, in some ways we are merely existing. God willing we have more ups than downs but I think we need to embrace them as part of a healthy, fulfilled life.

Life is meant to be lived and lived boldly. If you embrace change, how might that turn out for you? Could we have fear? Absolutely. Might things go wrong? Probably, at times. Will you have days where you wish you could just crawl into a corner and forget about the world and everything in it for a little while? I imagine so. Could you have opportunities to feel great joy? I'm pretty sure you will. Will you feel stronger, braver, more able to deal with what life throws at you? I would argue that seeing change as part of the lived experience enables us to cope better when things go wrong, it is for me, an important part of my resiliency toolbox.

I sincerely believe our hearts have capacity for a huge amount of joy but often the fear of change sets in and we start catastrophising (is that a real word? I think so!), imagining ourselves losing the source of this feeling, questioning whether we deserve it or not, waiting for something to go wrong. I also think that often we go into the negative thought spiral out of habit, voices from our past experience that we have given brain space to and have made strong pathways in there come in to play. I think our brain does it to protect us from pain or disappointment but in reality what is happening is that we let the negativity of our past steal the joy of our present. And if we remain unaware it will continue to happen. This is where mindfulness can be a real asset.

I guess that mindfulness is kind of like knowing that we are living an internal journey in an external world rather than ignoring the internal world and being at the whim of the shifts and changes that happen in the external environment. Perhaps we embrace change by realising that the only really important changes are the ones that happen in our own minds?

Feeling genuine joy is a risk because something might go wrong but if we focus on what might go wrong (and might is an important word because we don't know it will for certain) then we feel a fraction of the joy we could have. The same applies for the peace, love, happiness in any given moment. If we can free ourselves from the chains of fear, embrace that life is full of change and wholeheartedly enjoy the good when we have it, fully in the moment, then we are so much more likely to enjoy this wonderful adventure called life!


Images sourced from:
Caterpillar quote: https://www.etsy.com/listing/73406580/just-when-the-caterpillar-thought-the
Heart Rate monitor: http://www.redflagnews.com/headlines/ponzi-101-obamacare-bailout-planned-for-insurance-companies
Joy quote: http://www.jessicalynette.com/tag/quotes/ 

Sing your song

A few days ago Maya Angelou passed away, leaving behind pearls of wisdom that for me connect to the soul of humanity, that encourage us to be the best versions of ourselves as individuals, communities, human beings. It feels odd that someone who I have never met and know so little about has made such an impact on me, but she has, and I believe will continue to. She was passionate about education and not just that of the four walls of a classroom. Like the gorgeous Robyn Moore, she was passionate about people living big lives, not hiding their light but sharing it widely.

I believe we are all born with songs inside us waiting for the opportunity to let the music pour out. When you watch our little children playing and exploring their world they do it with absolute commitment to the moment, the only thing they have to do is to discover what they need to in that moment. They are born as mindful beings and too often we crush that unwittingly through our own sense of urgency, slavishness to the clock and to-do lists. Sir Ken Robinson would argue that often our children's light is dampened through our education systems. This is not saying that teachers are not doing a fabulous job, in fact I believe that most are committed to doing their absolute best for our children, but the systems many of us work in seem to be counter intuitive to helping our learners discover their songs.

Through our young lives where we get told to be quiet, follow the rules, do as you are told, do your best, change is hard, different is wrong, meet the criteria of a narrow curriculum, fit in, be nice all the time, succeed at school... it is little wonder that the sound of our songs can get drowned out.

As adults we then get nobbled with responsibility, we have to grow up, work towards a narrow concept of success... more expectations! With all these expectations, those we place on ourselves as well as those placed on us by others, where is there space for our songs to be heard?

Well the good news is we are not slaves to the clock, we do have choices. Yes we have responsibility but we do have choices. Sometimes things go wrong and we feel hopeless but even then we do have choices. Yes there are expectations, but again we still have choices. 

We own that space between our ears, we do have choices. 

One of the things we can do is just slow it down, especially when everything seems to be flying so fast around us. We can breathe. Oxygen is vital for brain function so a deep breath may help calm our thinking, allow us to notice and respond rather than simply react to what is happening around us. A while ago I read somewhere about a simple technique to calm ourselves down just through mindful breathing and I find it works for me, it's called the 7/11 technique. Basically you breathe in slowly and deeply for the count of seven and then breathe out for the count of eleven. The first time I did this I nearly expired on the breath out which demonstrates how shallowly I was breathing! So don't worry if you don't make it to eleven the first time, there are no expectations here. As you are breathing slowly and deeply, in and out, you concentrate on the breath and the counting. There is no need to do it for hours, just a couple of times now and then in a day helps me cope and I guess feel centered again.   

The more quiet we create between our ears the more we will be able to hear our own songs. The more spaces we create in our days the easier it will be for those around us to sing theirs. 

Further reading from this blog:
Follow your Bliss
You are not Atlas
Filling up tanks 
Self Leadership

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Do you think you are better than everyone else? A short story.

When I was at primary school there was an incident that has stayed with me for a long time, just over 30 years in fact. It shows the power of the spoken word and the power of those in positions of power to influence the people they work with.

I was one of those kids that loved learning, heck I still do, and I was always looking to stretch myself, again I still do. One day when I must've been about 11 years old, I had completed some work earlier than my classmates, I had checked it and then waited in line to ask my teacher if I could please have some more work. The response from my teacher was less than supportive, in fact the response was a loud (enough to silence the rest of my classmates) "so you think you are better than everyone else?" I was horrified. That was not what I meant at all, I just wanted some more work to keep myself busy and tried to explain that in a quiet voice but to no avail. I didn't get any more work, all I got was humiliated and shamed. Obviously this has not scarred me for life in terms of my love of learning but it is a refrain that from time to time has popped up when I am vulnerable.

So you think you are better than everyone else? What does a comment like that imply? Well to me it said, don't excel. Beware the tall poppy. You are not as good as you think you are. It also said I can't be bothered dealing with you as an individual, be like everyone else. Be smaller. Be quiet. Suppress your needs. Be good but not too good, work hard but not too hard unless you are working hard to fit in. For goodness sake don't be you!

I have been really blessed to have pursued the career of my choice, to have met amazing people, to have learned from them and I have had opportunities to take on roles that I never thought I was capable of. I have had great champions in my life. However sometimes when I have had a chance to step up and do something new or take on a leadership role or step into a challenging situation where I have to stand up for something I believe in, there is that little voice that goes "so you think you are better than everyone else?" And then that voice, if it gets a hold, follows up with "what if they see that you are really not that good?" A classic case of imposter syndrome! Has this stopped me following my dreams? Not really, but I believe it has supported an overly well developed sense of self doubt which can be challenging to manage in times of weakness.

Why tell you this story? Simply because it illustrates the power we have to influence others through what we say and do. I am pretty sure that this particular teacher will have no recollection of this moment at all, it would just be another exchange in what would total millions over a teaching career I imagine. I am sure his intention was not to harm, just get me out of his face so he could work with the rest of the class, perhaps he was stressed. We all have times where we say something we shouldn't have, I know I have regrets about comments I have made in the past. Mindfulness and being in the moment should reduce the reactive comments and, if we do make a mistake, allow us the presence to apologise and make amends in a timely fashion.

The take home message for teachers (and anyone who lives or works with children and young people) is to be mindful of what you are saying, you have tremendous potential to impact on the lives of the young people you live or work with and you never know when there is a pivotal moment happening. Shaming is simply not a good way to manage behaviour. And the same message goes to the adults in the room, particularly those in positions of authority or power, remember that the words you use have potential to help or harm as well. There are a few specific incidents from my adult life that I recall where it almost felt as though I had gone back in time and again I am standing in that moment of shame in the classroom, "so you think you're better than everyone else?" I have reacted by trying to be smaller, stand out less and fit in with the group which is not the most proactive position to be in and has rendered me fairly ineffective in that moment.

Over time I have learned that I have the ultimate power as to whether that nasty little voice of self doubt and shame gets heard or not. Again, I am blessed to have had the opportunities to read and learn and reflect. I am also lucky to have other refrains from my life that counter that nasty voice, it is amazing which voice is the most easily heard in times of stress or strain though.

What are the refrains that you hear over again from your past? Do they help you or harm you? Which ones deserve a hearing and which ones need to be silenced or at least reduced to a faint whisper?

Our words can lift or lower, can hurt or heal, can empower or suppress, can create greatness or squash it... I hope today is a day of uplifting words, thoughts and deeds for you and the people you engage with. What an amazing difference it could make to the world if we all took on that challenge!