A mind working over time

I've gotta stop my mind
Working overtime
It's driving me insane
It will not let me live
Always so negative
It's become my enemy

(From Save Me by Jem)

Last month I was presenting at the Teachers Matter Conference in Wellington. It is a real privilege to attend these professional development events and to be invited to present is a huge honour indeed. And one I didn’t take lightly.

When Karen asked me if I would be interested in coming along I didn’t hesitate, I was in and I was excited. This would be my third opportunity to work at the Teachers Matter Conference and the previous times had been massive for my own learning as a presenter as well as providing me with the opportunity to be inspired both personally and professionally as a teacher, parent and general human being.

As the time passed I started to become anxious… I didn’t recognise it as such at the time however, I just thought I was uninspired, stressed, tired. I found it hard to get what I wanted sorted easily, it was like writers block I guess, and then the self-doubt kicked in and it was brutal…

• ·         Perhaps Karen made a mistake? Or she was being too kind.
• ·         What do I have to offer? I have nothing to offer.
• ·         What makes me think I am good enough to stand in front of other teachers spouting off stuff? I am not as good as I think I am, I am a complete fraud.
• ·         What if I screw this up? I’ll ruin the conference and let everyone down!

Wowsers, I was being pretty tough on myself at the time and in hindsight I was actually self-sabotaging quite skilfully.

Why would I think such things
Crazy thoughts have quick wings
Gaining momentum fast
One minute I am fine
The next I've lost my mind
To a fake fantasy

(From Save Me by Jem)

This is the crux of the matter, I was projecting a negative outcome to an event that was still a few weeks away. I hadn’t actually recognised clearly this was what I was doing at the time so I didn’t press the STOP button and get off the beat-myself-up merry-go-round when it would have been healthy to do so.

The closer the day came the more wound up I became as the thoughts twisted and turned in my mind. I so wanted to do a really good job for Karen who I admire enormously and the conference delegates who had paid to be there and were attending in their holiday time. I felt that what I did would impact on the quality of the event for the delegates and the reputation of Spectrum Education and I so wanted to give my best for all. The pressure I had put myself under was really intense and unnecessary. It didn’t help me at all.

And the thing was… that NONE of this was real yet… the conference still hadn’t started!

Insecurities keep growing
Wasted energies are flowing
Anger, pain and sadness beckon
Panic sets in in a second

(From Save Me by Jem)

And then the day arrived. Did I give my best? I did the best I could at the time but I still feel that I could have done better if I had relaxed and enjoyed it more. Watching the video (which is useful once you get over the cringe factor!) I can see the moment where I actually relax and start enjoying myself. I get a buzz presenting and sharing ideas with others and it did come but the energy I wasted in getting there robbed some of this for me and therefore it took it from the presentation too. And the thing is I had allowed it to, unwittingly perhaps, but I still let it happen.

Be aware it's just your mind
And you can stop it anytime

(From Save Me by Jem)

So why am I sharing this story of insecurity with you? Well firstly because it is still wandering around in my mind and I need to let the words out. It is also because it isn’t all doom and gloom, it has been a really interesting learning experience and part of what I do is share learning.

After the conference I went through a little self reflection, obviously, I have realised I have some perfectionist tendencies. If you look at my messy garage and abysmal filing systems you might, like me, be confused by this as I was but it isn’t about having things perfect. Brene Brown describes perfectionism as “a twenty-ton shield that we lug around with us thinking that it will protect us when, in reality, it’s the thing that’s really preventing us from taking flight.” Pretty heavy huh? (In more than one way!) And when I think about it, this is where the self-sabotage comes in… it’s almost like it is a way of protecting us from potential hurt/failure from flying too high but it actually holds us down and holds us back from what we could be if we were truly authentic.

I have also read a book called Presence by Amy Cuddy, an easy but informative read that gives practical explanations for research and concrete strategies to apply the learning in real life… largely based around faking it till you believe it using our body to give brain positive signals of presence and power. In this book Amy also talks a lot about imposter syndrome, this is where even despite evidence to the contrary, we feel that we will be found out to be not as good at something as people might believe. We believe ourselves to be frauds undeserving of our achievements, that we were lucky in our successes, and that at any time our lack of ability will be discovered and others will be dreadfully disappointed. It robs us from the joy of when things go well and has a tendency to have us exaggerate our limitations or failures.  

So what is the cure? Well I don’t quite know but I happened upon the following forty minute clip and have noticed it has helped me. The clip is called The biggest disease affecting humanity “I am not enough” by Marisa Peer. I thoroughly recommend the investment of time if you think you might be susceptible to a little negative mind chatter… like many of us!

So where have I come to now. Well I am enough. I am worthy. I do not need to prove myself to anyone, let alone the biggest critic, my own mind! I am enough and the realisation of this is quite freeing. I am remembering to enjoy the little successes along the way rather than minimising them and looking towards the things that have gone wrong or the next step. And I am looking forward to presenting again with this much clearer insight. 

Ok so here we go
If it works I'll let you know

(From Save Me by Jem)

I love the music of Jem and the song quoted ‘Save Me’ is one of my favourites. I have used it throughout this piece as it quite accurately sums up some of the thinking patterns I am describing.